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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,934 Views)
TomTheCat
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airbrush beginner
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:whistle :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
This might ring a bell with some, not me of course. :whistle

https://1funny.com/the-remember-song/
Edited by Olde Farte, Jan 11 2018, 11:25 AM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
FOR CRICKET FANS……….

A lady walked into a Aussie Police Station, the desk Sergeant said, "Can I help you ?”

"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault.”

"Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road," she replied.

"Can you describe what happened ?”

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me.”

"Could you give me a description of him ?”

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg.”

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant.

"Yes," said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer"

"That's very observant," said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent ?”

"No," she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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True, true.....
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tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.'
The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes.
They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?
The American Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I also tell them from when and until when that the house will be empty because I will be on holiday.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around the town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody else does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the “thumbs up” and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me; two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Co-worker: How's the new year diet going?

Me: Not great.

Co-worker: Why?

Me: I had eggs for breakfast.

Co-worker: Fried? Scrambled?

Me: Cadburys
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Pig................................! :rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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True, true......

:angry:
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Attending the course were representatives from the SAS, Royal Marines, RAF Regiment and RMP’s. After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.

First up the SAS. They don infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead.

"Excellent" says the Instructor.

Next the Royal Marines. They double towards the woods, then break up and enter. Complete silence for a while. Then out they come and double back with a live rabbit. “He says he can tell us where the rest are if you want any more.” reports the young 2nd Lt in charge.

“Impressive” says the Instructor

Next up RAF Regiment. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries. Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

“Bit messy, but, a result." says the Instructor.

Lastly, in RMP's, walk in slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar one, suspect headed straight for you" etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge, with a hedgehog in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks the incredulous trainer. "Take this hedgehog back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours ago!"

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes to hours, day turns to night. At midnight the Instructor and the rest are awakened by the redcaps, holding the hedgehog, now looking rather battered.

"Are you taking the piss?" asks the seriously irate Instructor.

The team leader shoots a stern glance at the hedgehog, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a ***king rabbit!!!”
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose

The Duke of Wellington was on a hill looking over the battlefield at Waterloo....

He looked through his telescope and could see Napoleon on the hill opposite, issuing orders and all of a sudden cannon roared into life and ball came sailing over the Duke's head.

The Duke immediately ordered his Galloper to his side, scribbled down a note and handed it to his aide, telling him "Deliver this on pain of death to His Majesty the King, in London, immediately". The Galloper replied dutifully, "Yes, my Lord" and jumped on his horse and rode off into the French countryside.
...
The young soldier rode all day only stopping occasionally to change horses, arriving some hours later at Calais. He took a boat to Dover, changed horses again and galloped off towards London.

It was 02:00 when the soldier reached Buckingham Palace. He banged on the gates shouting, "OPEN IN THE NAME OF THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON - I MUST SEE THE KING IMMEDIATELY ON PAIN OF DEATH". The Kings Courtiers hurriedly opened the gates and led the tired soldier to the King's bed chamberwhereupon he banged on the door.

The King came to the door in his night clothes and holding a candle up to the soldier's dirtyface, he demanded to know why he had been awakened at such an ungodly hour. "Sire",stammered the soldier, "a message from the Duke of Wellington. I have come direct from the field of battle, my Liege".

The king tore open the wax-sealed document. The message read: 'CONTACT....WAIT....OUT'.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
1 :rolf :rolf

2 WTF? me no understand but then I'm thick and from Essex.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Revised Version of the Three Bears Story

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....


'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***** Porridge YET
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