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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,063 Views)
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf

Del, I didn't get the Wellington joke either :blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Jan 25 2018, 12:36 PM
:rolf :rolf :rolf

Del, I didn't get the Wellington joke either :blink:
Thank gawd for that Paddy, I get worried about missing the blindingly obvious sometimes.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
its a play on 'modern' radio etiquette

"Contact, wait out" is a term military personel use over the radio to report enemy sightings/attacks. "Contact" means that the enemy has been identified or that you have already been attacked. "wait" means that you have no time to explain the situation right now. "out" means that you are about to end transmission and will call back later.

but we are talking waterloo so no radios just a guy on an 'orse
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
Thanks for the explanation, Paul. It went right over our civvy heads :whistle
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Jan 25 2018, 08:23 PM
Thanks for the explanation, Paul. It went right over our civvy heads :whistle
Didn't it just Paddy, I don't have a lot of hair but what I do have went whoosh.

Thanks Paul.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Wonderfully British..

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied,

"How very sporting of your mother!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Carnation Milk 65 Years Ago

This is PRICELESS ...

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later a black car pulled up in front of her house.

A large man got out, knocked on her door, and said, "Ma'am, the president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry. So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000, even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!"

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.

Here it is: Sorry about the language but I cannot edit it.

Posted ImageCarnation milk by Derek Reeve, on Flickr
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Quote:
 
"How very sporting of your mother!"


.... Mom was from Kent. :ohmy
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RJ Tucker
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beowulf
Jan 25 2018, 04:59 PM
its a play on 'modern' radio etiquette

"Contact, wait out" is a term military personel use over the radio to report enemy sightings/attacks. "Contact" means that the enemy has been identified or that you have already been attacked. "wait" means that you have no time to explain the situation right now. "out" means that you are about to end transmission and will call back later.

but we are talking waterloo so no radios just a guy on an 'orse
Oh! Now I get it; don't feel so bad about not laughing the first time.

:blink:
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
Love the Carnation one, Del. :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell.

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?”

Satan says, why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next.”

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!

"Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him.”

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you.”

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a Lawyer?"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard, Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that.

I know he charges A$500 for the bulls and A$150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.
"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five."
"Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty two."
"How’d you get that?" the lawyer asks.
Answers St. Peter: "We added up your billable hours."

:blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Ah lawyers.................... :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

An elderly NJ gentleman had had a serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear almost 100% .
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree, when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember …
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.''Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so a s not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'

A Florida senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
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