Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]

CLICK HERE to see posts in last 24 hours

Welcome to Mainly Military modelling. We hope you enjoy your visit.


You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.


Join our community!


If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,062 Views)
Disorder
Member Avatar
Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf Brilliant Del.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Olde Farte
Member Avatar
Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy..........



Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
beowulf
Member Avatar
Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
There's a pretty, young lady grouting in the bathroom!

Singing "Its a heartache, nothin but a fools game"...

I think she's a Bonnie Tiler.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
RJ Tucker
Member Avatar
Patrolling the MMM frontier
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8 o'clock!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8 o'clock?"

:blink:
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Olde Farte
Member Avatar
Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Duh..................it's too early on a Saturday morning for these, still laughing though......................................
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
RJ Tucker
Member Avatar
Patrolling the MMM frontier
Posted Image

:ohmy
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Olde Farte
Member Avatar
Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Yep, just you RJ.................................... :whistle :rolf
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tc2324
Member Avatar
LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Olde Farte
Member Avatar
Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf I love these 'little Johnie' jokes.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
RJ Tucker
Member Avatar
Patrolling the MMM frontier
Posted Image

:blink:
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Olde Farte
Member Avatar
Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Canadian shop sign, read it thoroughly.
Posted Imageshop-opening by Derek Reeve, on Flickr
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Olde Farte
Member Avatar
Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
The Military's New Female Quarters Regulations

The Pentagon has ordered that all military commanders provide female personnel with separate, private "OFF LIMITS" quarters on all bases.

While addressing all personnel at Fort Hood, Texas, the Commanding General said, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 for their first offence.”

The General continued, “Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150".

Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.

Are there any questions?"

At this point, a Warrant Officer helicopter pilot stood up and asked the General:

“Sir, how much for a season ticket?”
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Olde Farte
Member Avatar
Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Ethel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Ethel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator!!

Now if you knew our Ethel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!

Ethel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Olde Farte
Member Avatar
Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Several men are in the locker room of a local golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,381; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$132,146."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1,680,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $1,600,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
RJ Tucker
Member Avatar
Patrolling the MMM frontier
Posted Image
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
Go to Next Page
« Previous Topic · General Chat · Next Topic »
Add Reply