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| Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,061 Views) | |
| Olde Farte | Feb 17 2018, 01:32 PM Post #1846 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. 2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without any clothes. 3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks. PRICELESS. 4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband. 5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available 6. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit... A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. |
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| Olde Farte | Feb 17 2018, 01:41 PM Post #1847 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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23 worst jokes 1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least one of them would have seen it 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,press the hash key..." 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual." 13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down. "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy". 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." ...How's that?" "Don't you start." 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your oyster ... go for it." 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!" 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' "So that was nice of them." 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore". 23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Yeah I know, sad aren't they. |
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| Olde Farte | Feb 17 2018, 01:46 PM Post #1848 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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MONDAY The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, “Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!” TUESDAY A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the minister's hand. He said, “Minister, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!” The minister said, “Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.” The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!” The minister said, “No sh*t?” WEDNESDAY Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.” The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. “Gee, Mum,” he exclaimed, “for me?” “Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.” THURSDAY One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence. “Your Honour,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.” FRIDAY A Doctor was addressing a large audience “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water however, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said, “Wedding Cake.” SATURDAY Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman that knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?” Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.” SUNDAY Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. “These,” she explained, “Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?” A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!” |
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| Olde Farte | Feb 20 2018, 10:51 AM Post #1849 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Stupid Question ... Excellent Answer !! Sir Peter John Cosgrove, AK, MC (born 28 July 1947) is a retired senior Australian Army officer and the 26th and current Governor-General of Australia. He was sworn in on 28 March 2014, and made a Knight of the Order of Australiathe same day General Cosgrove was interviewed on TV by Ms Leigh Sales from the ABC. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. This is a portion of an ABC interview between a female journalist Leigh Sales and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters. LEIGH SALES: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. LEIGH SALES: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. LEIGH SALES: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. LEIGH SALES: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over. |
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| Olde Farte | Feb 20 2018, 11:06 AM Post #1850 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD: "I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it." Harold should be an inspiration to us all. |
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| Disorder | Feb 20 2018, 11:32 AM Post #1851 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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Brilliant Del!!!
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| RJ Tucker | Feb 22 2018, 11:02 PM Post #1852 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Dear Ma and Pa, I am well Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board, Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Alice Semper Fi' Edited by RJ Tucker, Feb 23 2018, 02:34 AM.
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| Disorder | Feb 23 2018, 07:27 AM Post #1853 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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I love the end...
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| Olde Farte | Feb 23 2018, 09:30 AM Post #1854 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Arh yes, the punchline. Reminds me of summer camp when with the ATC (Air Training Corps for the friendly colonials across the pond).
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| Chillidragon | Feb 23 2018, 02:36 PM Post #1855 |
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Plastic fiddler
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Here's my own all time favourite, heard on a ward where I trained: Little Red Riding Hood is off to see her granny, basket of goodies in hand. Away she goes, down the forest trail, skippitty-skip, skippetty-skip... On her right; rustling. Behind a bush is a wolf. "Ooh, Mr. Wolf!" - she squeals - "What big eyes you have!" "Skussn rrowl flubbart" - he replies, and runs away into the forest. On she goes, further along the forest trail, skippitty-skip, skippetty-skip... On her left; more rustling. Behind another bush is the wolf. "Ooh, Mr. Wolf!" - she squeals - "What big ears you have!" "Skussn rrowl flubbart" - he replies once more, and runs away deeper into the forest. Eventually, our heroine reaches Granny's cottage, and hark! Rustling behind the hedgerow! And who could it be? Why, our hero! "Ooh, Mr Wolf! What big teeth..." The wolf begins to sob. "Is there NOWHERE in this forest a wolf can pwp in peace?" Edited by Chillidragon, Feb 23 2018, 02:36 PM.
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| RJ Tucker | Feb 23 2018, 10:22 PM Post #1856 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Follow the bear, wolf; follow the bear.
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| Olde Farte | Feb 24 2018, 08:52 AM Post #1857 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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That nursery rhyme is better than the version I taught my kids. |
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| RJ Tucker | Feb 24 2018, 11:34 AM Post #1858 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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| RJ Tucker | Feb 24 2018, 01:55 PM Post #1859 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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THAT'S JUST WRONG!!!!!..... on SOOOOOooooo...... many levels! ![]()
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| Olde Farte | Feb 25 2018, 09:30 AM Post #1860 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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They just get better and better RJ. |
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