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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,060 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Farmers

A stockman named Bruce was overseeing his herd on the stock route in Western Queensland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, Ray Ban® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the stockman, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bruce looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spread-sheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the stockman and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bruce. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bruce says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Senator from Canberra", says Bruce.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the stockman. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
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mac1677
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Lt Mac 'Shocker' McSheffrey
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Jennifer, a manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning."

"That's very good!" replied Jennifer. "And, now you sir," she asked the second man.

"Hmmm... let me see... A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

Excellent!" said Jennifer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed." She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man "It's hard to beat the speed of light," she said.

Turning to Ernest, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Ernest replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT?" said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

"Oh sure," said Ernest. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants."

Ernest is the new greeter at the Walmart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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:blink:
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Yeah, one time I got sick in the Home Depot plumbing department. Sum'body got a plunger half-off!

:ohmy
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mac1677
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Lt Mac 'Shocker' McSheffrey
:rolf :rolf

This is the reason I don't do figures :whistle :whistle
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
I just love the eye painting but the Flying Banana is awesome. :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and 100 to share her pain.

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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
The Clock in Heaven

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man.

St. Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription, simply showing your marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough."

..........

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman "Which book has helped you most in your life?"

The woman replied, "My husband’s cheque book!"

..........

A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called, "Husband: The Master of the House"?

Sales Girl: Certainly Sir, you'll find it under 'Fiction and Comics’ on the 1st floor

..........

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife darling, honey, luv... What’s the secret?"

Old man: "I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

..........

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I’d be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper...so I could have a new one every day!

...........

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said. “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?

“Well, I can drop her off here on Monday and Wednesday… but I play golf on Fridays!!”

..............

Husband to wife: Today is a fine day. Next day he says: Today is a fine day. Again, the next day, he says the same thing: Today is a fine day. Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband "Since last week, you have been saying, 'Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?"

Husband: "Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.’ I was just trying to make sure you remembered"

...........

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure that either the car is new, or the wife.

...........

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant;

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant;

Panic is when both are pregnant!
_______________________________________________________________

The Goodnight Kiss*

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little amorous. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught? "

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It’ s just too risky!"
"Oh please, please.... love you so much!"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can’t"
"I ’m begging you . . . "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’ s older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice, she says: " Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it, or if need be, mum says she can come down herself and do it . . . but for God’ s sake,

"Tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
Edited by Olde Farte, Mar 9 2018, 01:26 PM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his p*n*s covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your p*n*s.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his p*n*s and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my p*n*s!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Fawl off by itself!!!!”
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
The old ones are the best.

Some are very non-PC so if anything offends tell me and I'll delete it/them.


19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film rating said 18 or over."

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

When I was in the pub, I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Just got back from my mate's funeral.
He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Bugger that" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
After being married for 53 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,"53 years ago we had a cheap house, no car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a £500,000.00 home, a £35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 71-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things"

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
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It was cold (quite warm at -7C) and snowy this morning when I got up. So, I decided to just go outside and have some fun.


08:00 I made a snowman.

08:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

08:15 I made a snow woman.

08:17 My next door neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.

08:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

08:25 The vegans living two doors down the road complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and should not be used to decorate snow figures.

08:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

08:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf and everything should be covered except her eyes.

08:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on and see why this riot was developing in our usually peaceful neighbourhood.

08:42 I am told by the police that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon.

08:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to a police station in a helicopter.

09:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist hell bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.

09:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

09:29 A little known jihadist group has already claimed it was their plot.

09:30 I now realise that I just should have stayed in bed this morning !

So, how was your day ?
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Two old men are sat on a bench at the park. A young, fit girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts. One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.

"Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?" she says.

The old man sweetly replies "My dear I'm not smiling at you, I'm smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets, there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man"

The girl replies "Awwwww you sweet old man", leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.

The old man turns to his friend and says "2 nil, your turn".
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