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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (28,678 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
The Men's Shed Meeting

We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Men's Shed.

One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting suggestion.

He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey" as we might learn something from it. Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house..

The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities.
At the follow-up meeting the next week we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel.

Here are their experiences:

Bill Carruthers, 74

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall. But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden
was the only place for a good shed.


Nick Enwright, 86

She stood before me, trembling in my shed “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her down to The Royal Oak

Ted Roberts, 79

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other Wellie.


Tom Entwhistle, 73

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

Jack Farthing, 78

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

John Hardcastle, 72

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my Mother to stay for the weekend.


Colin Horrocks, 65

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

Malcolm Riddock, 75

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

Allen Cardly, 74

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the shop receipt.

Humphrey Landsdowne, 56

Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.”

Nicholas Benchley, 53

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked.
“When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.

Toby Williams, 60

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
A very entertaining read is "50 Sheds of Grey" and the sequel "50 Sheds Damper"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
My shed got so damp the floor gave way.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
​ ​
The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall​, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

“Where on earth did you get that ???” asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here Rub it.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish – just one.”

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!”

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ???“
__________________________________________________________________________

God said,

"Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......"

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez...."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the
cave, and finds the woman.

In about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!)

*

*

"What's a Headache?"
__________________________________________________________________________________

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed, make a doctor's appointment.

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Edited by Olde Farte, Mar 15 2018, 11:34 AM.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier

In a small, rural school the teacher, Mrs Smith, decides to use "Life Saver"
candies to introduce the concept of artificial flavors during the basic
nutrition class.

She has all the pupils gather around her desk, and she gives them a red candy.
"Now what flavor is this?" She asks.

"Cherry" answers Mary. "Right!", replies Mrs Smith. Then she passes out a
green one.

"Lime!" shouts Jack. "Correct!", replies Mrs Smith. Then she passes out a
yellow one.

"Lemon!" says Elizabeth. "Right again class!", replies Mrs Smith. Then she
passes out a strange yellow-gold one.

The class takes it and sucks on them a bit. It's sweet, but not fruit
flavored: vaguely familiar; but the class can't quite place it.

"I'll give you a hint", offers Mrs Smith. You might have some in your
kitchen.

Nothing but perplexed looks as the students roll the Life Saver around their
mouths.

"Another hint" says the teacher. "Your mother calls your Daddy this."

"SPIT IT OUT! IT'S AN ASSHOLE!" yells little Johnny

:blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Ah, little Johny, I love these.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

Whilst swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it is much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark,"was the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."

"...I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Doh.................
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
What Part Of Your Body Goes To Heaven First?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face, "Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming'. I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."



The Nun fainted!!!

If it offends I'm sorry.
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathing heavily the bartender replied. "Is there anything I can do?”

"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
The BEST! toys help prepare children for real life.


Posted Image

Posted Image

Posted Image

:blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
God, are these serious RJ...................
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Only the "Soul Crushing Meeting" play set is real. It's the brain child of the best selling Children's books author of: "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"; "Strangers Have the Best Candy" & "Junior Jihadist Gets to Wear the Magic Vest".

:blink:




By the way, what's date?
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