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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,058 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
You have some funny people over there RJ with those book titles.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

Irish Puddle Fishing

The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth", says the old man.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter.

Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty miffed. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”

Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”

Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn...Well, what’s the really bad news?”

The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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mac1677
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Lt Mac 'Shocker' McSheffrey
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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WoW! That's heavy, man, heavy. :blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Original to say the least, very funny though.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
During a lull at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

“Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realise he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know", replied Melania, “but neither does the parrot."
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Three contractors are bidding to refurbish the fence at 10 Downing street. One is from Birmingham, another is from Liverpool, and the third is some bloke from London.

All three go with a Downing Street official to examine the fence. The Brummie contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well, " he says, "I figure the job will run to about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for labour, and £100 profit for me."

The Scouse contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for labour, and £200 profit for me."

The bloke from London doesn't bother to measure or figure, but leans over to the Downing Street official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the others! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The bloke whispers back, £1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Liverpool to do the job."

"Done!" replies the government official..... And that is how Carillion was born....
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
*After the flood*

God:"Noah, now the ark is empty, I want u to make it bigger

Noah:"Yes Lord, what do u need?

God:"I want u to add another 20 decks & fill it with fish

Noah:"What kind of fish?

God:"Kois

Noah:"Why Kois My Lord?

God: "Because I want a multi-storey Carp Ark"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Doh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf Brilliant!
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf A bit too close to home though.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13 "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
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