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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,057 Views)
Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
There's a lot of winners there. Sadly, they all remind of things i've said, guess I must be a sarcastic SOB.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Cimmerian
May 3 2018, 12:23 PM
There's a lot of winners there. Sadly, they all remind of things i've said, guess I must be a sarcastic SOB.
Ditto. Frightening isn't it.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Personally, I can’t argue with this and my brother who lives down there also agrees and actually sent this to me but apologies to any who may be offended.

AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS

If you haven't seen it before and even if you have

The following has been written by the late Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.

"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but
they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.

Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A BIG stick is very useful for this task.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a BIG stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and
the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surf-boarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a sour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a BIG stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is... they may be right!

TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason - WHATSOEVER.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

Always carry a BIG stick.

Air-conditioning is imperative.

Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.

Wear thick socks.

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby

If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die. And don't forget a BIG stick.

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS

They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse.

They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be
called "Woy".

Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have. How else do you get a stain on your shirt?

They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

And they all carry a BIG stick
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mac1677
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Lt Mac 'Shocker' McSheffrey
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are just about to lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says........."Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. “

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon … Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”

“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert, don’t forget.”

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe… Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”

"Luis, Luis Mi amigo… What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees a ham bush....

[My apologies to any who may be offended, I don’t make ‘em up. I just pass ‘em on.]
Edited by Olde Farte, May 8 2018, 07:51 AM.
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
We really do need a "Groan" emoji.. :rolf :rolf
Only kidding, Del. I loved it. :laugh:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
We should have one and the 'Doh' back as I really miss it in my awards. I think Mark removed it because he got one and was embarrassed................... :whistle :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging?" asked the cowboy, sipping his drink. "Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What the heck kind of a name is THAT?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes."

"Sheesh, a nut case, for sure!" exclaimed the cowboy, taking another sip of his whisky. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf 'Doh'
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Once upon a time, in the continent of Africa ruled the great chief
Zambaba. He had 3 dozen sons, and as they grew older they became very
hard to keep amused.

Desperate to find something for his sons to do, Zambaba called for the
great wise man, Ztahara. For 80 days and nights Zambaba waited in his hut
for the wise man. When Ztahara did show up, Zambaba muttered something to
the effect of "Go around the world or something?" With his frustration
vented, he beseeched the great Ztahara to suggest something for his 3
dozen very bored princes to do.

Ztahara looked up at the sky, and uttered some mumbo jumbo. He danced
around for another week, consulted bones and such. Finally, at his wit's
end, Zambaba slipped the old guy fifty quid, and the two got down to
business.

"You must send your sons on a quest. Each must bring back 1 exotic gift.
The most exotic gift you receive will be given be the most worthy prince
to be king."

So with this said, Zambaba sent his sons out into the world. After many
weeks, his youngest son returned with a very exotic gift: a stone throne.

The chief, who had to stand around all of the time, was very pleased at
the gift. There was celebration and dancing.

A week later, his second youngest son returned with another exotic gift:A
straw throne. The king preferred it to the stone throne because it was
soft and was a bit warmer. To keep the servants off of the old chair, he
had the stone throne put into the attic. There was much dancing and
rejoicing.

A week later, the chief's third youngest son returned with: a wooden
throne. (Which was nice because the straw throne was getting to look a
bit shabby). There even more dancing and rejoicing and, yet again, the
older throne was put into the attic.

Well, for the next year and a half, the chief received more and more
thrones from his sons. Gold thrones, platinum thrones, ivory thrones,
thrones made out of herring, fur covered thrones and even ergonomically
correct thrones. Each new throne was more luxurious and more comfortable
than the last. Since the king was touched by the receipt of each gift, he
did not have the heart to throw them away, neither could he bear to let
servants sit on them. Thus each throne, in turn, was stuffed into the
attic.

At last the eldest son arrived with the most magnificent throne of all.
It had everything, a leather interior, dolby surround sound, a fridge
underneath, a beer holder, full body massager and (or course) one of those
annoying upholstery arm thingies that hold the remote control. Since the
last throne was the wrong colour, it was thrown into the attic and this
last throne was declared a winner.

There was a loud drunken party that night to celebrate. All of the noise,
and the inebriated people stepping through the walls weakened the already
overloaded structure of the hut, causing it to collapse on top of the
king and all of his princes.

Moral of the story: He who lives in grass house should not stow thrones.
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
Paddy was sitting at the bar, when the barman passed and said "I see your glass is empty, Paddy. Do you want another one?"
Paddy said "For feck sake, why would I want two empty glasses???"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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NOT PUNNY! :blink:
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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QED! Posted Image
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