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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (28,680 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
My thoughts exactly. Does it also count as one of us UK bods 5 veggies/fruit a day?
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Posted Image

Can't decide who's the injured party here: the Catholics or the store owner?

:blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play stereo music in women's breast implants.

The iBoob, will cost between $499 and $699, depending on ‘speaker size’.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing.

So, I asked my wife Mary if she would go to Homebase and pick up a hinge and Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the assistant to finish serving a customer, her eye caught two beautiful bathroom taps. One for the sink and one for the bath.

When the assistant was finished, Mary asked him, "How much are those taps?"

The assistant replied, "They are gold plated taps and very expensive. The price for both are £500".

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, they are really expensive - certainly out of my price range."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy.

The assistant said that he had them in stock and it was £3.49, then he went into the backroom to get one.

From the backroom he yelled. "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the taps."

This is why you just can't send a woman to Homebase.
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
hahahahahaha
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval
insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be
used on other ships under his command.


The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the
Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that's the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts.

:blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little poo, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

**************************************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is
driving home from the city one night and, of course his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," say's the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

*************************************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where is my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "there was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee."

************************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

*******************************************************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"
Edited by Olde Farte, May 31 2018, 10:37 AM.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"

"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
Del & Paul :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Wonderful English from Around the World ....

Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's Office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

A Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER!

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP?

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY,
EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE
TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED
FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
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