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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,172 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A few one liners.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Sod this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours. The police believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
beowulf
Aug 25 2014, 12:01 PM
I witnessed absolutely disgusting behaviour on the sea front at Brighton today.
I saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument infront of a load of kids.
Suddenly the woman smacked the guy on the head and it all kicked off!!!
There was a massive brawl and someone must have phoned the police.
This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man.
The guy managed to get the baton off the copper and began to assault the copper and his wife!!!

Then, out of nowhere, a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages

:whistle
il be that guy :whistle

i dont get it :redface

the others are funny though :rolf
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
punch and judy!
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A fleeing ISIS fighter, desperate for water, was plodding through the Iraq desert when he saw something
far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The ISIS fighter asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The ISIS fighter shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.
It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the ISIS fighter staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

“Your bloody brother won't let me in without a tie!'
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
beowulf
Aug 27 2014, 07:14 PM
A fleeing ISIS fighter, desperate for water, was plodding through the Iraq desert when he saw something
far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The ISIS fighter asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The ISIS fighter shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.
It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the ISIS fighter staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

“Your bloody brother won't let me in without a tie!'
:rolf

and :dead about punch and judy
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
:rolf
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
Posted Image
Edited by tc2324, Aug 28 2014, 02:57 PM.
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
brilliant
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
hahahahha
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf I bet he felt a bit of a pr**k.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Moshe, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
Thanks to MRVR6 for being "that guy"
I didn't get it either :whistle
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