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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,055 Views) | |
| Disorder | Jun 15 2018, 09:11 AM Post #1936 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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I wouldn't mind a job in that Italian launderette
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| Olde Farte | Jun 15 2018, 11:03 AM Post #1937 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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You'll have to fight me first..............
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| RJ Tucker | Jun 21 2018, 04:44 PM Post #1938 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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What did the socialists use before candles? Electricity. |
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| Olde Farte | Jun 21 2018, 05:37 PM Post #1939 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Took me a minute then
Edited by Olde Farte, Jun 22 2018, 08:02 AM.
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| Olde Farte | Jun 22 2018, 08:02 AM Post #1940 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Three blondes were all applying for the last available vacancy in the police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a copper, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a side profile of his face! You're excused!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, Stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you ? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, Didn't you hear what I just told the last applicant? This is side picture profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....." He flashed the photo for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did... This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses. |
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| mac1677 | Jun 23 2018, 05:23 AM Post #1941 |
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Lt Mac 'Shocker' McSheffrey
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From a Facebook page:
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| beowulf | Jun 23 2018, 12:40 PM Post #1942 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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actually an interesting whiff cos im sure there never was a mk iv Edited by beowulf, Jun 23 2018, 12:43 PM.
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| Disorder | Jun 23 2018, 05:05 PM Post #1943 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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Paddy and his wife were at the fair, when a pilot offered a free flight to anyone who could stay quiet while he did loop the loops in the small plane. If they screamed it would cost them $50. Paddy and his wife climbed aboard and the pilot done his worst to nothing but complete silence from the back seat. Finally he landed and complimented Paddy, on the two way radio, for staying quiet. "Ah now" says Paddy. "I nearly shouted when the wife fell out!"
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| Olde Farte | Jun 24 2018, 08:24 AM Post #1944 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| Olde Farte | Jun 24 2018, 10:43 AM Post #1945 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second said, "There's an old gear-box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit the bottom." So, they picked up the gear-box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in. As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the under brush, raced up to the hole, and without hesitation, jumped in head first. While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about. Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?" The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were standing here just a minute ago, and this goat came hurtling out of them there bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!" The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old gear-box." |
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| Disorder | Jun 24 2018, 05:49 PM Post #1946 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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| Olde Farte | Jun 27 2018, 10:05 AM Post #1947 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand... Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." P.S. I didn't see it coming, either. |
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| beowulf | Jun 27 2018, 05:31 PM Post #1948 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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I went for a job interview yesterday and it seemed to go very well. The manager phoned today to tell me that I had got the job. "To begin with we'll pay you ten pounds an hour, and after three months it goes up to fifteen pounds an hour. When can you start?" said the manager. "In three months time." I said. |
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| Disorder | Jun 27 2018, 06:46 PM Post #1949 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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| RJ Tucker | Jun 28 2018, 12:01 PM Post #1950 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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2:39 PM Jul 11