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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,171 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
For those who do not listen to the BBC Radio 4 early morning news & current events 'Today' programme, this is English humour at its best.

Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 or £100 per game is not uncommon.

An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United):

"That will be ten quid, mate"

"What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"

The geezer on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Don’t you just love it ..when someone with obvious time on their hands, and a sense of humour, sits down and thinks these things up !!!


These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR
A place where women curl up and dye.


CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest Labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.


And MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.
Edited by Olde Farte, Sep 2 2014, 02:16 PM.
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
A woman has twins and gives them up for Adoption. One of them goes to a family in Eygpt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband respondes, "They are twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
all funny lol
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A man went into a supermarket, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout.
The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"
The man replies, "No, I left it at home."
The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."
A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout.
The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"
And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."
Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."
A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.
The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."
The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:clap: :clap: :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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