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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,170 Views)
mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
haha
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
sic em jesus lol
Edited by mrvr6, Sep 6 2014, 12:12 PM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
lol lol
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Sheamus was overweight so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When Sheamus returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions? "
Sheamus nodded..."I' ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
“No, from the skipping”
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
I stop the microwave oven with one second left on the clock so I can feel like a Bomb Disposal operator.
Edited by Nikon User, Sep 13 2014, 10:01 AM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.


The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one:

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. But, her hair was dry. I checked the shower and it was completely dry, as well. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rails by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flowerpot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst:

"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto a balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.

He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you".

"I don't know", replies the man. "Picture this, I'm stark naked hiding in this cedar chest....."
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
lol
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf :rolf
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
brilliant
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
What's the difference between Will Smith and Scotland? .
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Independence Day
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!' The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'
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