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| Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,169 Views) | |
| Cimmerian | Sep 22 2014, 03:52 PM Post #226 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| Mark M | Sep 22 2014, 04:06 PM Post #227 |
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Hawk T1
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| stevescan | Sep 23 2014, 12:04 AM Post #228 |
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Airbrush master
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| Olde Farte | Sep 26 2014, 08:08 AM Post #229 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Some (genuine) newspaper reports:- Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.' (The Daily Telegraph) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian) At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscences of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945. She recalled - 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'' ( Bournemouth Evening Echo |
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| DevilFish | Sep 26 2014, 08:17 AM Post #230 |
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
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| Cimmerian | Sep 26 2014, 08:19 AM Post #231 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| mrvr6 | Sep 26 2014, 11:57 AM Post #232 |
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Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
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they are FUNNY |
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| stevescan | Sep 27 2014, 03:06 PM Post #233 |
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Airbrush master
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Edited by stevescan, Sep 27 2014, 03:07 PM.
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| Olde Farte | Sep 29 2014, 11:51 AM Post #234 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,! 'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !' The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....' Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !' Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?' The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.' Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.' When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.' She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...' Murph said, 'I'll tell you, .....it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use WD-40. |
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| Cimmerian | Sep 29 2014, 12:39 PM Post #235 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| Olde Farte | Oct 3 2014, 08:52 AM Post #236 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?" Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "This time why don't you just leave the car in the garage ?." |
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| mrvr6 | Oct 3 2014, 08:04 PM Post #237 |
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Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
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lol |
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| beowulf | Oct 7 2014, 06:56 PM Post #238 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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My Wife & I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn't start well when the train we where traveling on, broke down a few miles North of the capital. What a third world s**thole! Streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us. My Wife stood out in her sundress as all other women had head to toe burqas. We are so dead I thought. Anyway, Mustapha the organiser suddenly remembered, Finsbury Park had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to Kings Cross & on to Kabul from Heathrow. Kabul is so much nicer than London we thought!! |
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| beowulf | Oct 7 2014, 07:01 PM Post #239 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye sir." Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy: "Sorry sir?" Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?" Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments." Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle." Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking." Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead." Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water." Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please." Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir." Nelson: "What?" Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected." Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral." Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled." Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!" Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." Nelson: "We're not?" Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report." Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King." Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life" Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment." Nelson: "What about sodomy?" Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir." Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy." |
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| stevescan | Oct 8 2014, 01:27 AM Post #240 |
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Airbrush master
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2:39 PM Jul 11