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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,168 Views)
Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
lol
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
brilliant
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
So damned true now. :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
If this is deemed to be out of order please delete it, I just found it very funny.

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' And hung up.

I wrote his number down

with the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' it always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said,
'Is this the mn with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said,
'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea... I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me' I said, 'Make me.' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'. I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .....

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.
Edited by Olde Farte, Oct 8 2014, 12:59 PM.
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
:rolf
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.""
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.""
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ? ... he only had a newspaper delivery run!"
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
hahahahahahhhahhaha
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin"
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf Ah, modern technology makes the final leap, daren't show SWMBO though she'd buy one immediately.
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