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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,166 Views) | |
| stevescan | Oct 23 2014, 02:03 AM Post #271 |
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Airbrush master
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| Olde Farte | Oct 24 2014, 02:45 PM Post #272 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A bumper bundle. Lemon Squeeze There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned..' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face. _____________________________________________________________________ Looks of Disappointment A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.' _________________________________________________________________ Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? _______________________________________________________________________________________ Donation Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is!' 'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?' 'I can!' 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 'He will.' _________________________________________________________________ Confession An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!' __________________________________________________________________________________ Brothel Trip An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says. '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' ___________________________________________________________________________________ Senility An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.' __________________________________________________________________________ Pest Control A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.. 'Who are you?' he asked him.. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.. 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'.. _____________________________________________________________________________ Marriage Humour Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' ________________________________________________________ Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' ________________________________________________________________________ Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' _____________________________________________________________ Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' ______________________________ A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' _______________________________________________________________________________ A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!' ___________________________________ Husbands are husbands (I love this one) A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned' ______________________________________________________________________ |
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| stevescan | Oct 25 2014, 02:44 AM Post #273 |
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Airbrush master
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| Olde Farte | Oct 25 2014, 07:42 AM Post #274 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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And still they keep coming......Just noticed that the last 4 lines were missing so it will make sense now. Sorry. Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing …”, I said. Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" she said and suggested I go down to the Senior Centre and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do ... I signed up for five jumps a week!!" The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted. Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun. Edited by Olde Farte, Oct 25 2014, 09:40 AM.
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| beowulf | Oct 25 2014, 08:03 AM Post #275 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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A tough Seafarer gave some good advice to his granddaughter. He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning. The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be. |
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| Olde Farte | Oct 25 2014, 09:41 AM Post #276 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| mrvr6 | Oct 25 2014, 12:31 PM Post #277 |
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Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
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lol |
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| Olde Farte | Oct 27 2014, 01:28 PM Post #278 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Now here is a guy who has his priorities right. A husband went to the police station to report his missing wife: Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home. Sergeant : What is her height ? Husband : Oh, 5 something . . . Sergeant : Build? Husband : Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant : Color of eyes? Husband : Never noticed. Sergeant : Color of hair? Husband : Changes according to season. Sergeant : What was she wearing? Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly. Sergeant : Did she go in a car? Husband : yes. Sergeant : What kind of car was it? Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.……………. at this point the husband started crying... Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We’ll find your car. |
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| Mark M | Oct 27 2014, 10:06 PM Post #279 |
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Hawk T1
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brilliant |
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| stevescan | Oct 28 2014, 01:13 AM Post #280 |
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Airbrush master
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| beowulf | Oct 28 2014, 08:28 AM Post #281 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| Olde Farte | Oct 28 2014, 08:49 AM Post #282 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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I want one...............when I get old though. |
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| Mark M | Oct 28 2014, 10:00 AM Post #283 |
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Hawk T1
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| Olde Farte | Oct 29 2014, 12:26 PM Post #284 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Nymphomaniac Convention A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ......." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy." |
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| mrvr6 | Oct 29 2014, 06:56 PM Post #285 |
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Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
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oh i like that 1
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2:39 PM Jul 11