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| Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,183 Views) | |
| beowulf | Jan 16 2014, 05:32 PM Post #16 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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A guy walks into a bar. He asks the barman, "Do you have any helicopter flavoured potato chips?" The barman shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain." |
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| Cimmerian | Jan 16 2014, 09:14 PM Post #17 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her. "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde. The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book." |
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| Cimmerian | Jan 21 2014, 07:29 PM Post #18 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?" He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!" |
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| Olde Farte | Jan 22 2014, 03:53 PM Post #19 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Stand by, they're on their way. What a great idea for a WHIF.
Edited by Olde Farte, Jan 22 2014, 03:54 PM.
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| Cimmerian | Jan 29 2014, 09:48 PM Post #20 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I Would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends." |
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| DevilFish | Jan 30 2014, 02:49 PM Post #21 |
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
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A few sent by a mate via e-mail Our society is doomed.............. I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said "May I have large bills, please" She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size." When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.... When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since. My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. |
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| Olde Farte | Jan 30 2014, 03:29 PM Post #22 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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I hope this isn't too raunchy. A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." |
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| tc2324 | Jan 30 2014, 03:46 PM Post #23 |
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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Justin Bieber goes to jail Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest. Then learns cell mate is dyslexic. |
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| tc2324 | Jan 30 2014, 03:48 PM Post #24 |
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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| beowulf | Jan 30 2014, 06:09 PM Post #25 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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"Well," snarled the tough old WO to the bewildered SAC, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Air Force, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." "Not me, Warrant!" the SAC replied. "Once, I get out of the Air Force, I'm never going to stand in line again! |
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| beowulf | Feb 8 2014, 08:33 PM Post #26 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| Disorder | Feb 13 2014, 04:49 PM Post #27 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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Two pikeys approach St. Peter at the pearly gates and ask if they can get into heaven. He tells them its not up to him and he'll have to check with the boss himself. So he goes and asks God if they can come in. God says no chance, tell them to sling their hook. Two minutes later, St. Peter comes back to God and says they're gone! God asks, who the pikeys? St. Peter answers, no, the gates... |
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| Disorder | Feb 13 2014, 05:48 PM Post #28 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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Mick finds a magic lamp and frees the genie, who grants him three wishes. Could I have a pint of Guinness that refills its self every time I drink it. Your wish is my command, and in a puff of smoke the pint appears. Mick swiftly downs the black stuff and lo and behold it refills immediately! Wow! Says he, thats great, can I have another two of those? |
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| Olde Farte | Feb 14 2014, 12:07 PM Post #29 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said,'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds " I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability too.' And then the fight started... My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight |
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| Cimmerian | Feb 14 2014, 12:18 PM Post #30 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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You must know my old Boss, Del. He sent them to me the other day.
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