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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,165 Views)
stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve


HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

My wife and I were at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Lots of dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
That's when the fight began . . .
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning . . .
the start of a really bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A retired general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a pub and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the curtains, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, love, it's back to the village for you."
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3
am.
The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop.
Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer
ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor
chain by morning or it's the brig for you!
The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge.
As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle.
The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the
bird a toss.
The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again,
with the same result.
He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What in the heck have you been doing all night? This
chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.
"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
An Irish letter.

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Your loving Mum

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Whether this is true or not, it’s quite clever! & why let truth

get in the way of a good joke.



In an advanced biology exam, the last question was, 'Name seven

advantages of Mother's Milk’.

The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student in particular was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell

rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the floor

where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
8) and it comes in perfect containers :whistle
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscences of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945. She recalled - 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Recently, a female sheriff's deputy Arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was Fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next Day, at the Gwinnet County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with Lewd and lascivious Behaviour, public indecency and public Intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch On his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. He Explained: "as there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought There was no one around" he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he Pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt Was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.

Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him'. It was an Unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up To Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.' Deputy Taylor Went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence... 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a Pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: "A pumpkin? poo... is it midnight already?' The court (and the judge) could not contain Their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, Fined $10.00 and sent on his way. The Washington Post wrote an article Describing this as "The best come-back line......................Ever."
Edited by Olde Farte, Nov 17 2014, 01:41 PM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
With apologies to Shaun, No. 6.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming pools have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; Irish police say it's definitely race related.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one; but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says,

"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No, I only live round the corner."

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
Edited by Olde Farte, Nov 19 2014, 09:03 AM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,




"This time why don't you just leave the car in the garage ?."
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