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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,164 Views)
Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
Wife comes home late at night and
quietly opens the door to her
Bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four
legs instead of two.
She reaches for a Baseball Bat and
starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can.
Once she's done,she goes to the
kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband
there, reading a magazine.
Husband says : "Hi Darling, Your
parents have come to visit us, so let
them stay in our bedroom.
Hope you said Hello to them.."
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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snapper655
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Gun Monkey

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra
money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman"


and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How
much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she
would need were in the garage.

The man's wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she not realise that our porch goes all the way round the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes" the blond replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it
two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it
to her along with a £10 tip.

"Thank you" the blond said, "and by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an
Audi".

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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
OUCH! lol
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:clap: :clap: :rolf :rolf :rolf
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snapper655
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Gun Monkey

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie.

The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water." :grin:


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Mark M
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Hawk T1
:rolf
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
LMAO
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Only applicable to the old folk.

About this time of the year, older taxpayers in the UK (like me) will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel' payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment?
A. It is money that the government will give to taxpayers

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland and Luxembourg. (we don't)

*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein. (I do but don't care)

*If you spend it on eBay your money will go Switzerland. (I avoid this like the plague)

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs. (Yep, but who cares)

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco.

* If you spend it on 'cheap' cigs it will end up in Romania or Bulgaria. (I don't smoke so don't care)

* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea. (Yep, we own a Honda)

* If you buy a luxury car it will go to India or Germany. (What's luxury, remember we are pensioners)

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. (We do but again we don't care)

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1. Spending it at car boot sales. (Robbing bar***ds)

2. Going to nightclubs. (In bed by 22.00)

3. Spending it on call girls. (Wouldn't know what to do with them)

4. Buying cider, beer or scotch. (Nope, interferes with the meds)

5. Getting yourself a Tattoo. (WTF)

6. Visiting a bookie. (The only Bookie we visit is called the local Library)

Conclusion then, if inclined, is to go to a nightclub with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer all day and night!

No need to thank me... Just glad I could be of help.

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snapper655
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Gun Monkey
Voted the best Australian Joke...



Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions

Ferret stumble across an old lamp.

He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie!
This genie, however was a little different.

He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,

"Turn the entire ocean into beer..... Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,

and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher.

The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness

as the two men considered their circumstances

Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was that had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going Dickhead!

Now we're going to have to piss in the boat." :grin:

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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ......."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent..
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
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snapper655
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Gun Monkey


























































Twelve of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'


2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'


3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'


4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'


5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'


6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'


7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'


9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '


10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'


11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'


12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'


:grin:
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
:rolf
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf :rolf
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