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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,162 Views)
snapper655
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Gun Monkey
Don't you just love the down to earth approach of old ladies !! Two older women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.



The first old lady said,
"I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob-job."

The second woman replied ,
"Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!"

"Oh Dear!" replied the first woman.

"I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!" :grin:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf I wasn't expecting the last line, hilarious.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

DISTRESS AT 18,000 FEET


An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled
"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions.
The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions.
Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me".
Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me".
Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"
Aircraft: "Because the s**t in my pants is sliding out of my collar."
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front
of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well, me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A new study shows that women with big breasts are smarter than women with smaller breasts.
Though to be fair, the guy who conducted the study admits he wasn't really listening.
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
:bounce ...I'm sorry....what were you saying?
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 120 km/h, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F...k it woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up?

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


I love this part......


'Only when he's pissed.'
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
haha
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
ufff!!
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Duh....................................
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snapper655
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Gun Monkey
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in.



She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained.


"Love dress? But you're naked!"


"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained.



"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.


"This is my love dress." she whisper sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot. :grin:
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
Brilliant.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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