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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,161 Views)
Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
Four CEOs meet up at a bar.

It's the CEO of Budweiser, CEO of Heineken, CEO of Carlsberg and CEO of Guinness.


The CEO from Budweiser orders a Bud and says "the best selling beer in America" and enjoys a sip.

The CEO of Heineken orders himself a Heineken, says "the best selling beer in Europe" and takes a sip.

The CEO of Carlsberg takes a bottle of Carlsberg, takes a sip and say "probably the best beer in the world".

The CEO of Guinness askes the bartender if he can have Pepsi, all the other CEOs spit out their beer and start laughing at him and asks why he didn't order a beer.

The CEO of Guiness shrugs and said "if you girls ain't ordering beer, then neither am I."
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

WARNING - DO NOT READ BEFORE OR OVER A MEAL !!!!!!!




A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.
He sits in the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chilli
After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks.
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says.
"Nah, ye can gae ahead."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back into the bowl.


The old Jock says. "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

May the wind whistle quietly up ya kilt.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
My brother keeps asking Princess Leia out on a date and she keeps saying 'No'.

He seems to be looking for love in Alderaan places........................
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
wheres the facepalm smiley when you need it lol
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madmonk
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Lt Warren "Satan" Monks
beowulf
Jan 18 2015, 03:24 PM
My brother keeps asking Princess Leia out on a date and she keeps saying 'No'.

He seems to be looking for love in Alderaan places........................
Its all about the base, bout the base, not Rebels!!
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
madmonk
Jan 19 2015, 12:37 PM
beowulf
Jan 18 2015, 03:24 PM
My brother keeps asking Princess Leia out on a date and she keeps saying 'No'.

He seems to be looking for love in Alderaan places........................
Its all about the base, bout the base, not Rebels!!
You've seen that too? lol
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
madmonk
Jan 19 2015, 12:37 PM
beowulf
Jan 18 2015, 03:24 PM
My brother keeps asking Princess Leia out on a date and she keeps saying 'No'.

He seems to be looking for love in Alderaan places........................



Its all about the base, bout the base, not Rebels!!
Posted Image
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
When I married my wife, her father promised me a cow and an acre of land.

20 years later, I'm still waiting for the land.
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
I'm reading a book about weightlessness - I can't put it down.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
i used to have a phobia of speed bumps................but im slowly getting over it
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"BEAVER"
For much of his life, Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot, which produced many callouses on his feet. He was also quite small, which made him frail and with his odd diet he often had bad breath.
Do you know what this made him?




(All together now!)









A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Duh............................
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Pilots & Air Traffic Controllers:

----------

A British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.

The Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan??’

----------

ATC: "Alitalia 345 continue taxi to 26 Left South via Tango - check for workers long taxiway."

Alitalia 345: "Roger, Taxi to 26 Left via Tango. Workers checked - all are working."

-----------

Nova 851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15".

Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."

-----------

Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself."

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?

Pilot: Yes.

Tower: Yes what?

Pilot: Yes, SIR!!

------------

Frankfurt Control: 'Air Force 1733, you are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'

Pilot: 'Roger, Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'

Control: (a few moments later): 'Air Force 1733, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'

Pilot: 'Air Force thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'

Control: 'Air Force 1733, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots.'

Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'

Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'

-------------

ATC: 'Cessna 123, what are your intentions?

Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'

ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not 5 years.'

-----------

Controller: Air Force 123, say call sign of your wingman.

Pilot: Uh approach, we're a single ship.

Controller: Oh, Oh, S&!%!! Then you have traffic!!

------------

O'Hare Approach: USA 212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.

USA 212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?

O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.

USA 212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.

-----------

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.

Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019.

-----------

Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'

Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center.'

-----------

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.

ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

-----------

Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".

Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.'

(short pause)

Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately.'

----------

Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'

Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.

Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'

Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'

Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'

-------------

Tower: 'American 123 and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the center line on that approach.'

American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'.

--------------

Controller: 'USA 353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)

Controller: 'USA 353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)

Controller: 'USA 353 you're just like my wife you never listen!!'

Pilot: 'Center, this is USA 553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'

-------------

BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'

Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'

BB: 'Because the last two times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'

Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'

-------------

Controller: 'FAR 1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'

Pilot: 'A340 of course!'

Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'

--------------

Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'

Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'

--------------

Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'

----------

Controller: 'CRX 600, are you on course to SUL?'

Pilot: 'More or less.'

Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'

-----------

Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'

Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'

Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'

Tower: 'Affirmative.'

Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'

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