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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,160 Views)
beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car, when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
Del - as an Air Trafficker in a former life, I appreciated reading those from a couple of posts ago!
:clap:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Jan 26 2015, 03:37 PM
Del - as an Air Trafficker in a former life, I appreciated reading those from a couple of posts ago!
:clap:
You're welcome Nigel, sent to me by an ex Belgian AF fighter pilot mate.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image
Edited by beowulf, Jan 29 2015, 05:08 PM.
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
Oh Boy! - the truth hurts when I see it like that.
:redface
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Jan 29 2015, 06:37 PM
Oh Boy! - the truth hurts when I see it like that.
:redface
Doesn't it just.......SWMBO has looked also, she just walked away laughing and mumbling about looking in the loft lately
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
THREE EDUCATED WOMEN...

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Illinois School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from Texas and just graduated from Texas A&M with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell all ya'll right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
Do we dial 911 in England now?
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
No still 999 or 111
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snapper655
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Gun Monkey
CENSORED I see ? :clap: :clap: :clap:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
The magic of words! Cute one for all you Grandma's.


A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh...

I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.' Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'



The minister fainted.
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snapper655
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Gun Monkey
Careful that's ageist, but funny
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
snapper655
Feb 4 2015, 06:22 PM
Careful that's ageist, but funny
That's OK then as I am an aged Olde Farte.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
My apologies to anybody from Liverpool

Scousers


A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!'
or ''Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policewoman
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan,then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time...
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefits.

A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing'.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided.
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disc.

Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth. Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:"We're all really shocked; we never knew we had a library."


Edited by Olde Farte, Feb 5 2015, 03:45 PM.
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.

The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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