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| Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,159 Views) | |
| Olde Farte | Feb 9 2015, 12:24 PM Post #376 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. |
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| Olde Farte | Feb 10 2015, 04:03 PM Post #377 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place as It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about. The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." Don't you just love Lawyers? Edited by Olde Farte, Feb 10 2015, 04:04 PM.
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| Nikon User | Feb 14 2015, 10:14 AM Post #378 |
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"BEAVER"
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A sharing marriage... The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered -- "THE TEETH" |
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| Nikon User | Feb 15 2015, 12:19 PM Post #379 |
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"BEAVER"
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I heard they've stopped broadcasting The Flintstones in Dubai as the people there just don't get the humour. However, the folks in Abu Dhabi do! |
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| DevilFish | Feb 17 2015, 09:35 AM Post #380 |
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
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Fifty shades of grey? I don't see what the fuss is about? I've had that in my man cave for ages..... |
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| Olde Farte | Feb 17 2015, 02:24 PM Post #381 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee." "I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled,"volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive." |
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| beowulf | Feb 18 2015, 12:15 AM Post #382 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| Olde Farte | Feb 18 2015, 10:14 AM Post #383 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Council Job A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine." "Have you ever worked for the public service before?" "Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles". The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.....but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day." The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know" "What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls s there's no point in you coming in for that." |
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| Nikon User | Feb 18 2015, 10:34 AM Post #384 |
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"BEAVER"
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3 men are sitting at a bar talking about their sons. The first man says "My son is doing really well as a homebuilder. In fact, he is doing so well selling houses and making money that he bought his friend a house." The second man says "My son is doing really well as a car salesman. In fact, he is doing so well selling cars and making money that he bought his friend a car." The third guy says "My son is doing really well as a stockbroker. In fact, he is doing so well selling stocks and making money that he bought his friend a $100K stock portfolio." Just then a fourth man walks in and one of the group says "Jerry, we were just talking about how well our sons were doing, how is your son?" Jerry says, " Well, I am kind of disappointed in my son. It turns out he is gay. But he must be doing something right because he just got a house, a car, and a $100K stock portfolio from his boyfriends." |
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| beowulf | Feb 18 2015, 11:36 AM Post #385 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." |
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| beowulf | Feb 18 2015, 12:38 PM Post #386 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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3 women arrested for causing a disturbance during the fifty shades film in Glasgow. Police say the woman were very disappointed to find out that the 50 Shades of Grey feature, turned out to be the regional weather forecast for Scotland. |
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| Olde Farte | Feb 20 2015, 11:59 AM Post #387 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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G20 Terrorism, High Alert Causing Me Problems When I was at the checkout and ready to pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed. After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card. Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. I hate this getting older stuff. |
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| Nikon User | Feb 20 2015, 12:27 PM Post #388 |
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"BEAVER"
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The definition of a good accountant is the one who, when asked what is 2 plus 2, answers, "What would you like it to be?" |
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| Olde Farte | Feb 20 2015, 01:29 PM Post #389 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| tc2324 | Feb 21 2015, 02:07 PM Post #390 |
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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