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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,158 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Security concerns have been raised following reports that the perimeter fencing at Knowsley Safari Park, near Liverpool, is falling into disrepair, and there are no funds available to replace it. When asked about the consequences of a lion escaping, and wandering around Merseyside, a park spokesman said, "It will just have to defend itself the best it can.”
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
An old lady was walking down the street pulling two plastic bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and £20 notes were falling out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a passing policeman stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really?" said the old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me".

"Well now, not so quick," said the policeman. "Where did you get all that money?"

"Well, you see, my house is right next to a golf course and a lot of players come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower bed. It kills the flowers so I thought, why not make the best of it, so I've taken up standing behind the fence by the knot hole with my hedge shears. Every time some chap sticks his thing through my fence I surprise him by grabbing hold of it and say, "Give me £20, or off it comes".

"Well, that seems fair" said the policeman - by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays"
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"BEAVER"
While treating an elderly gentleman, a doctor struck up a conversation with him. Eventually the topic got around to politicians.

The old man said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are "Post Tortoises".

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "Post Tortoise" was.

The old mansaid, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a Post Tortoise."

The man saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

“You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function and you just wonder what kind of dumb idiot put him up there to begin with."

(Politics 101)
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

****** THE STORK ******
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a s**g in Scarborough........
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Johni044
Lt John "bullet" Irwing
Not a joke as such but this amused me.

http://youtu.be/3uYIuU7XLgc
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"BEAVER"
Quote:
 
Not a joke as such but this amused me.


And me!
:dead
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Feb 25 2015, 08:49 PM
Quote:
 
Not a joke as such but this amused me.


And me!
:dead
Ditto
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Pension planning - how wimmin do it

There was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit £200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.


Three months later, she became his stepmother.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

Farm Life in Australia

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

" Not yet, " said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.

" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Good Bye Grandpa


A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
​ ​
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.
​ ​
"Holy cow" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say,​"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
​ ​
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office,so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
​ ​
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE ....It takes less than 15 seconds......

If you are over 45 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.



How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

Scroll down for answers:

















Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's.

... but you are a Pervert.
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into a
bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his
order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening
they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back
to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200
to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for
$200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders
Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays
him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So
she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia ..

' Melbourne ', he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.

'Glen Iris' he replies.

'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'

' Cameo Street ' he replies.

'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;

'What number?'

'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams,
'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as
digging continues into the night.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A farmer from York sees a bloke drinking from his stream & shouts, "Ey up cock, tha dunt wana be drinkin watta frum theer, it's full o hoss p**s an cow sh*te."

The bloke says "I'm from London, can you speak a bit slower please?"

The farmer replies "if - you - use - two - hands - you - won't - spill - any!"

___________________________________________________________________________________

Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.

The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

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