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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,157 Views) | |
| Nikon User | Mar 14 2015, 03:11 PM Post #406 |
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"BEAVER"
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car when she's pulled over by a female police officer, also a blonde. The blonde cop asks to see the blonde driver's license but the driver has trouble finding it in her purse. The longer this goes on, the more agitated the blonde policewoman is getting. "What does it look like?", the blonde driver asks. "It's rectangular and it has your picture on it", the frustrated blonde policewoman replies. At that point, the blonde driver finds a small rectangular mirror in her purse. She looks into it, sees her image, then hands it over to the policewoman. "Here it is", she says. The blonde officer looks at it, then hands it back to the blonde driver saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop" |
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| Olde Farte | Mar 14 2015, 03:37 PM Post #407 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Doh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| beowulf | Mar 14 2015, 06:38 PM Post #408 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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A Depressed Frog Visits a Fortune Teller hoping for good news. The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you" The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! Where will I meet her? At a party?" "No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class." |
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| Olde Farte | Mar 21 2015, 10:53 AM Post #409 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle gobbing off about how lazy the British are, he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium, up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in two days. This old Geordie man mutters.......Way Ay man....I used to pick up my load in Newcastle drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle the same day. The German trucker snorted and said....Oh Yeah....what rig were you driving ? The old fella replied....... A LANCASTER BOMBER !!!!!!!!!! |
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| beowulf | Mar 21 2015, 03:14 PM Post #410 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| Nikon User | Mar 24 2015, 08:59 PM Post #411 |
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"BEAVER"
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the hospital took the husband aside and said, 'I don't like the look of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband, but she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' |
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| Olde Farte | Mar 25 2015, 08:47 AM Post #412 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Couple in their eighties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'You’ve forgotten my toast?' ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he d idn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.' _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' |
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| Olde Farte | Apr 3 2015, 08:01 AM Post #413 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Three blondes were all applying for the last available position On the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a side profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn't you hear what I just told the last applicant? This is side picture profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.” |
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| Nikon User | Apr 4 2015, 07:43 AM Post #414 |
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"BEAVER"
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The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer, so a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?" The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... No, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "Did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again. "Thirdly, "the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea." And then the lawyer said, "So, if I don't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?" |
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| Nikon User | Apr 4 2015, 07:54 AM Post #415 |
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"BEAVER"
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I woke up this morning and my wife was out. There was a note stuck to the fridge saying, 'I can't cope, it's clearly not working, I'm going to stay at my mums'. I don't know what she's talking about, I just felt the milk and it's cold. There was a demonstration by homeless people in town today. They were demanding change. My wife likes those cropped tops that expose your midriff. Except hers haven't been cropped. A man died today after being attacked by a big cat in a circus. It's understood he had under lion health problems. Bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician." A mate of mine said - "I'm going to draw what's essentially a transparent cross section of a building from above". "It sounds like a plan" I thought. |
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| beowulf | Apr 4 2015, 08:14 AM Post #416 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| Nikon User | Apr 5 2015, 10:29 AM Post #417 |
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"BEAVER"
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. When chemists die, they barium. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection; urine trouble. Broken pencils are pointless. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in a police station have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. |
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| Mark M | Apr 5 2015, 10:34 AM Post #418 |
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Hawk T1
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| Olde Farte | Apr 5 2015, 10:40 AM Post #419 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| Olde Farte | Apr 5 2015, 01:18 PM Post #420 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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I hope you enjoy this, I did. https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/TxNrizGdhtY?vq=hd720&rel=0&showinfo=0&start=0&end= |
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2:39 PM Jul 11