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| Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,156 Views) | |
| Nikon User | Apr 5 2015, 05:57 PM Post #421 |
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"BEAVER"
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Definitely one of the better ones Del - thanks for posting it. |
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| tc2324 | Apr 16 2015, 01:09 PM Post #422 |
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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| Mark M | Apr 16 2015, 02:06 PM Post #423 |
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Hawk T1
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| Olde Farte | Apr 16 2015, 02:53 PM Post #424 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Oh to be back when the world was non-PC. |
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| Olde Farte | Apr 19 2015, 01:07 PM Post #425 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Wonderful British Humour In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied, "How very sporting of your mother!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bob decided to go on a golfing holiday with his buddy, Ray. So they loaded up Bob's minivan and headed out. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible thunder storm. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm Recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let You stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' Bob said, 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golfing. About nine months later, Bob got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive Widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Ray and asked, 'Ray, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' said Ray Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!,' Ray said, a little embarrassed about being found out,' I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her MY name instead of telling her your name?' Ray's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?' 'She just died and left me everything.' And you thought the ending would be little bit different, didn't you?... Edited by Olde Farte, Apr 19 2015, 01:13 PM.
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| snapper655 | Apr 19 2015, 04:49 PM Post #426 |
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Gun Monkey
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oh for an end to censorship by those not qualified,
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| Nikon User | Apr 22 2015, 09:02 AM Post #427 |
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"BEAVER"
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Sally and James were discussing aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" James asked Sally. After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then Sally asked James, "What will you do if I die first?" He replied, "Probably the same thing." And that's how the fight started! |
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| Olde Farte | Apr 23 2015, 07:45 AM Post #428 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A GOLFERS LOVE STORY An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.? Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?' " Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." "I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time." "All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?" |
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| Olde Farte | Apr 25 2015, 10:21 AM Post #429 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A man had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him "No", he says, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife always would come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven't been to together since we got married. "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else? ... a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head........................."No. They're all at the funeral." |
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| Nikon User | Apr 26 2015, 06:29 PM Post #430 |
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"BEAVER"
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One day, in the Biblical world, long after the great flood waters had died down, God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all - you're the guv'. "But " God interrupts, "there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other." "20 DECKS!", screams Noah, and after a while continues, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?" "Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers. "Fish?", queries Noah. "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Koi carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Koi Carp!" Noah looks to the skies. "OK... God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" "Check", "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?". "Check". "And you want it full of Carp?" "Check" "Excuse me, me old mucker do you mind if I ask why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly getting increasingly worried about either the sanity of God or his own hearing.. "Dunno", says God......................................................... ........ "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark". |
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| Olde Farte | Apr 28 2015, 11:10 AM Post #431 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates." To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins". |
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| beowulf | Apr 28 2015, 02:06 PM Post #432 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened. First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner. Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery,spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Seamus O'Reilly from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his photo taken." |
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| Olde Farte | Apr 30 2015, 11:17 AM Post #433 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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2 ladies die and go to heaven. 1st woman: Hi! Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer --- we'd both still be alive. |
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| Mark M | Apr 30 2015, 11:22 AM Post #434 |
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Hawk T1
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| Olde Farte | May 2 2015, 07:33 AM Post #435 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!" The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that asshole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one." |
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2:39 PM Jul 11