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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,154 Views) | |
| Olde Farte | Jun 6 2015, 12:02 PM Post #451 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Doh.............! |
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| Olde Farte | Jun 7 2015, 02:47 PM Post #452 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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I hope this not inappropriate. A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms. "Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned". The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please. The girl panicked so she phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her. She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs. "Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!” The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ..he's the window cleaner.” |
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| Nikon User | Jun 7 2015, 04:52 PM Post #453 |
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"BEAVER"
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Anyone seen the new movie "Constipated"? No? Well you wouldn't have - it's not come out yet. |
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| beowulf | Jun 7 2015, 08:06 PM Post #454 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Paddy went into Argos and said " Can I have a Potato clock please " " I'm sorry sir " said the assistant " I've never heard of a Potato clock. We have Cuckoo clocks and Grandfather clocks but nothing like a Potato clock " "Well " said Paddy. " I've got a new job and I start at 9 o'clock in the morning, so my wife said "You have to get a Potato clock" |
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| Olde Farte | Jun 8 2015, 07:53 AM Post #455 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Totally lost here, sorry...........what am I missing as I've read it a half dozen times. |
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| beowulf | Jun 8 2015, 09:30 AM Post #456 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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lol...try saying it in an irish accent |
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| Olde Farte | Jun 8 2015, 10:15 AM Post #457 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Nope still no joy and my wife says my Irish accent is more Indian/Pakistani. |
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| DevilFish | Jun 8 2015, 10:40 AM Post #458 |
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
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Get a potato clock Get a p-ot-at-o clock get up at eight o'clock
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| Olde Farte | Jun 8 2015, 10:57 AM Post #459 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Hooray it all makes sense now. We are a bit thick down here in Essex you know but we aren't all like the TOWIE bunch.
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| Nikon User | Jun 10 2015, 11:56 AM Post #460 |
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"BEAVER"
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A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?' |
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| Olde Farte | Jun 10 2015, 03:16 PM Post #461 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| Olde Farte | Jun 11 2015, 01:04 PM Post #462 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass." "Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it..................this kind of sensitivity just can't be taught! |
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| Olde Farte | Jun 12 2015, 07:56 AM Post #463 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "Hi, I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum." |
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| Nikon User | Jun 16 2015, 07:19 AM Post #464 |
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"BEAVER"
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I've just heard some terrible news.... a friend of mine who works for Nescafe had what they call an Industrial Accident. He fell into a huge vat of coffee powder and suffocated...they said it was instant! |
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| Olde Farte | Jun 16 2015, 07:56 AM Post #465 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Doh................ |
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it all makes sense now.
We are a bit thick down here in Essex you know but we aren't all like the TOWIE bunch.

2:39 PM Jul 11