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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,153 Views)
Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his colleague is wearing an earring.

The man knows his colleague to be a normally conservative chap, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

He walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing it?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y' know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand'
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
It is rumoured that Suzy Perry and Julian Clary will be joining Chris Evans to form the new BBC 'Top Gear' team.

So, after all the suspense, it's to be Ginge, Minge and Cringe.
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tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
Seismologists have been blamed for not predicting a recent earthquake in the USA.

The Seismologists said it wasn't their fault..................
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tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
An old lady was speeding down the highway while she was knitting.

A cop sees this and speeds up alongside her vehicle.

"Pull over!" the cop says

"No!" the woman replied,

"They're mittens!"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
THE TRAIN WAS QUITE CROWDED, AND A U.S. MARINE WALKED THE ENTIRE LENGTH LOOKING FOR A
SEAT, BUT THE ONLY SEAT LEFT was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'
________________________________________________________________________________________

NO OFFENCE WAS INTENDED OR DIRECTED TO ANY PERSON.

OTHER NATIONALITIES ARE AVAILABLE.
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"BEAVER"
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the car. They both start cleaning your windows with a wet rag , with their "attributes" almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to another part of town. You agree and they get in the back. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, pretending to retrieve a lost earring, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on 4th November. Again on 9th November, the 10th, twice on the 15th, the 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also on 1st December, twice on the 8th, 16th and 23rd and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Be careful out there.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
The buggers caught me 3 times on the same day, SWMBO cannot understand why I get caught so easily.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the lake at Canberra .

​The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids, - I just don't get it.

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'On the other side of the lake near the car park at the capital.

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.

'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s**t out of them and eat 'em!'

“Ah!” says the big Crocodile, “I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s**t out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an asshole with a briefcase.”
Edited by Olde Farte, Jun 29 2015, 01:02 PM.
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's sedation during root canal work?







He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
As I age, I realize that:

I talk to myself because sometimes I need expert advice.

Sometimes I roll my eyes.. out loud?

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that I need to work on.

The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down… I'll remember it."

When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.

The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; Just come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

When the grand kids text me "PLZ" which is shorter than please. I text back "NO" which is shorter than "YES".

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and finding/remembering what I went in there for.
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
STOP PRESS!!!

Apparently, new Euro notes are going to printed on Greece proof paper.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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