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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,152 Views)
Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled lady kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”

She continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Sorry Paddy................................ :whistle

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.Paddy looked in one of
the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.The sign read..
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal"Mick look at these prices!
We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear
our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us.
I'll put on me best English accent."
"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3..00 each
and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each.
And oy’ll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied "This is a dry-cleaners."
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
More apologies Paddy.....

Baptising An Irishman


An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the
preacher..

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little
longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me
brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again --
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?"

(get ready for this) .....The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes,
coughs
up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Sorry if some wording upsets anybody but it wouldn't be the same without it.

Why We Love Children...

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...'Da-ad...'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad...'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later...'Daaaa-aaaad...'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked.’
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, '... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy poo! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!
Time goes so fast, life asks so much; no wonder friends get out of touch.
"Friendship" stays forever green!
Edited by Olde Farte, Jul 6 2015, 10:05 AM.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
As our commanding officer inspected his plane before takeoff, one of my fellow mechanics asked, "Excuse me sir. Do you need to have a college education before they let you fly one of these?"
"Yes, that's true," said our CO.
"So," continued my friend, "does it ever bother you that they let high school dropouts like me fix them?"
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
The Royal Navy is proud to announce it's new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, under intense pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist,

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."

His final words were,
"Britannia waives the rules."
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Ah, a Bold New Frontier for the rivet counters. :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms. "Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".

The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please. The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.

She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.

"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”

The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ..he's the window cleaner.”
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

A guy goes into a Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Essex Girls or Two Blondes

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex. Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind." "Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five people." "You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Edited by Olde Farte, Jul 15 2015, 11:44 AM.
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
NSFW!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPD_RHVFlys

i was in tears watching this
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Uurgh, just wet myself laughing.
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
Olde Farte
Jul 15 2015, 11:24 AM
________________________________
Essex Girls or Two Blondes

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex. Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind." "Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five people." "You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Not wanting to ruin the joke, or seem like a miserable old git.......but Tracey is right. The Quattro is only configured for 4..... :whistle






And, tbh, I've been in a Uno....One person is one person too many, lol
Edited by Olde Farte, Jul 15 2015, 02:32 PM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
DevilFish
Jul 15 2015, 02:09 PM
Olde Farte
Jul 15 2015, 11:24 AM
________________________________
Essex Girls or Two Blondes

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex. Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind." "Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five people." "You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Not wanting to ruin the joke, or seem like a miserable old git.......but Tracey is right. The Quattro is only configured for 4..... :whistle






And, tbh, I've been in a Uno....One person is one person too many, lol
Bloody rivet counter.................................... :whistle

(I meant to Quote but hit edit instead, sorry, but nothing changed)
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