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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,148 Views) | |
| stevescan | Aug 18 2015, 12:45 AM Post #541 |
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Airbrush master
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| snapper655 | Aug 18 2015, 09:38 AM Post #542 |
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Gun Monkey
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The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido:"Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather:"He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer: "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." -- |
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| Olde Farte | Aug 18 2015, 10:23 AM Post #543 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| stevescan | Aug 19 2015, 01:03 AM Post #544 |
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Airbrush master
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| tc2324 | Aug 19 2015, 12:34 PM Post #545 |
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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| tc2324 | Aug 19 2015, 12:35 PM Post #546 |
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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My wife asked why I carry a gun around the house? "Decepticons" I told her. She laughed, I laughed, ........ the toaster and the coffee machine laughed too |
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| tc2324 | Aug 19 2015, 12:36 PM Post #547 |
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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I surprised my wife with a poem today. "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Day?" I began. "Awww. Go on then!" she winked. "OK" I replied. "You're dull and miserable." |
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| Olde Farte | Aug 19 2015, 12:45 PM Post #548 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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First and third are hilarious, second I don't understand (not difficult). |
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| Cimmerian | Aug 19 2015, 12:54 PM Post #549 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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My microwave found it funnier than I did.
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| tc2324 | Aug 19 2015, 01:30 PM Post #550 |
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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A Decepticon is a bad guy robot transformer from the Transformer films Del. |
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| Olde Farte | Aug 19 2015, 01:45 PM Post #551 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Never seen one but understand now, I think. |
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| snapper655 | Aug 19 2015, 06:19 PM Post #552 |
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Gun Monkey
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Enjoy........................ Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.” Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.” Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.” Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?” It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about. A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off! Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years.” His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!" A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?” The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient". Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth. Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum" ................................................................................ A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us." ................................................................................ A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!" ................................................................................ The last is always best Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?" Edited by Olde Farte, Aug 20 2015, 07:49 AM.
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| Olde Farte | Aug 20 2015, 07:51 AM Post #553 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Very funny but poor old Yorkshire.I've cleared out the large blank patch at the beginning, hope you don't mind. Edited by Olde Farte, Aug 20 2015, 07:52 AM.
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| Cimmerian | Aug 20 2015, 08:32 AM Post #554 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| Olde Farte | Aug 20 2015, 11:12 AM Post #555 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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The World Economy Explained with just Two Cows SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you milk. FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have 2 cows. You worship them. BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots 1. Milks the other and throws the milk away. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have 2 cows but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have 2 cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have 2 cows, both are mad. AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them you have none. Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy. VENTURE CAPATILISM You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. Then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back with a tax exemption for all 5 cows. The milk rights of the 6 cows are transferred to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all 7 cows back to your listed Company. The annual report says the Company owns 8 cows with an option on one more. AN IRISH CORPORATION You have 2 cows. 1 of them is a horse. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine production. You arrest the newsman who reports the true situation. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have 2 cows. You sell 1 and force the other to produce the milk of 4 cows. Later you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died. TRADITIONAL CAPATALISM You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have 2 cows. You go on strike, organise a riot and block roads because you want 3 cows. A GREEK CORPORATION You have 2 cows borrowed from French and German banks. You eat both of them. The Banks call to collect their milk but you cannot deliver so you call, the IMF. The IMF loans you 2 cows. You eat both of them. The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk. You are out getting a hair cut. All make sense now? Edited by Olde Farte, Aug 20 2015, 11:14 AM.
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2:39 PM Jul 11