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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,147 Views) | |
| Olde Farte | Aug 21 2015, 07:52 AM Post #556 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man... "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed ONE seat!" The old man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient... "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing! The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success! Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked......."All right old chap, what's your name?" "Fred," the old man moaned. "Where are you from, Fred?" asked the police officer. With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving....... Fred replied... "The balcony!" |
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| Cimmerian | Aug 21 2015, 08:01 AM Post #557 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| tc2324 | Aug 21 2015, 12:14 PM Post #558 |
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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I stayed in a Turkish hotel whilst on holiday recently, it overlooked the sea. Unfortunately, it also overlooked hygiene, good service and edible meals. |
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| Olde Farte | Aug 21 2015, 12:29 PM Post #559 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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We've been to that one................
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| stevescan | Aug 23 2015, 01:54 AM Post #560 |
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Airbrush master
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| Olde Farte | Aug 24 2015, 11:42 AM Post #561 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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THE ABORIGINE A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?' Again, Colin said "No." Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want? Colin said, 'I want the bastard who pushed me in.' |
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| Cimmerian | Aug 24 2015, 12:29 PM Post #562 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| stevescan | Aug 25 2015, 02:33 AM Post #563 |
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Airbrush master
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| mrvr6 | Aug 25 2015, 05:28 AM Post #564 |
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Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
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lol |
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| beowulf | Aug 25 2015, 08:21 PM Post #565 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo ???? ...... "One is quite heavy ..........and the other is a little lighter" |
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| Olde Farte | Aug 26 2015, 07:48 AM Post #566 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Doh......................................................... |
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| Cimmerian | Aug 26 2015, 07:54 AM Post #567 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| beowulf | Aug 26 2015, 04:39 PM Post #568 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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hehehehehe |
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| Olde Farte | Aug 27 2015, 01:57 PM Post #569 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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" Morning Sex " She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken." _______________________________________________________________________________________________ A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. My darring, he whispers, I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want? he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls…...Numbaa 69. More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her….....................You want……. garlic chicken wif snow peas? Edited by Olde Farte, Aug 27 2015, 01:58 PM.
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| beowulf | Aug 27 2015, 03:46 PM Post #570 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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lol |
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2:39 PM Jul 11