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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,146 Views) | |
| beowulf | Aug 27 2015, 04:22 PM Post #571 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady. That's how my Dad lost his job as a bus driver. |
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| stevescan | Aug 28 2015, 12:15 AM Post #572 |
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Airbrush master
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| Olde Farte | Aug 28 2015, 07:24 AM Post #573 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Closer to the truth than you think, I took over my bus but being summer was in shirt sleeves so sat in the passenger part and after a couple of minutes I said sod the wait I'm going to do it. Got behind the wheel and drove off but half the old girls wanted to get off at the next stop until I explained. Also drove around at Christmas in full Santa costume, great fun. |
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| beowulf | Aug 28 2015, 08:14 PM Post #574 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Dulux have just released the new 'David Camerons Face' range of paint
Edited by beowulf, Aug 28 2015, 08:14 PM.
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| Olde Farte | Aug 29 2015, 10:43 AM Post #575 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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And mixed from the genuine looks I believe. |
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| beowulf | Aug 29 2015, 05:13 PM Post #576 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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![]() A police officer called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor's still wet." |
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| Olde Farte | Aug 30 2015, 08:01 AM Post #577 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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50 Sheds of Grey The Men's Shed Meeting We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Men's Shed. One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting suggestion. He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey" as we might learn something from it. Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house. The chaps guys were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities. At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel. Here are their experiences: Bill Carruthers, 74 We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall. But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ted Roberts, 79 She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tom Entwhistle, 73 Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jack Farthing, 78 “Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.” ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- John Hardcastle, 72 “I'm a very naughty girl,” she said,biting her lip. “I need to be punished.” So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Colin Horrocks, 65 “Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?” ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Malcolm Riddock, 75 I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Allen Cardly, 74 “Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humphrey Landsdowne, 56 Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.” ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nicholas Benchley, 53 “Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I'm done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Toby Williams, 60 “Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up. |
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| beowulf | Aug 30 2015, 08:47 AM Post #578 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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lol |
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| beowulf | Sep 5 2015, 01:00 PM Post #579 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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I got a letter from the Origami Association this morning. I don't know what to make of it. |
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| beowulf | Sep 5 2015, 01:01 PM Post #580 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Man climbs Everest wearing only a Cow costume. He must be Friesian up there. |
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| beowulf | Sep 5 2015, 01:08 PM Post #581 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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My friend's pet snake got into my freezer last night. I don't know how to tell him… I think I'll just give it to him straight. |
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| Cimmerian | Sep 5 2015, 02:16 PM Post #582 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.... 'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'. So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. 'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.' Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears. 'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?' 'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc..... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. 'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?' The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.' 'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman (Wait for it...........scroll down.) 'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..' |
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| Cimmerian | Sep 5 2015, 02:20 PM Post #583 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburettor. Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather. “What’s the matter? asked the Trooper "Carburettor's frozen," was the terse reply. "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." "I can't," said the biker. "OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving thanks. A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..." |
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| Olde Farte | Sep 5 2015, 02:47 PM Post #584 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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An hilarious bumper bundle with the motorcyclist taking pole followed by the Irishman with botty problems.
Edited by Olde Farte, Sep 5 2015, 02:47 PM.
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| beowulf | Sep 5 2015, 08:04 PM Post #585 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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I've just bought Monopoly Indian edition. Its the same but you build call centres instead of hotels |
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