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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,145 Views) | |
| Olde Farte | Sep 6 2015, 10:08 AM Post #586 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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My wife and I went to the Country Fair just outside Chelmsford recently and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR ' My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! You could learn a lot from him.' We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day .....You could REALLY learn something from this one.' I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.' My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery. |
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| Olde Farte | Sep 6 2015, 10:31 AM Post #587 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A CATHOLIC MORNING COFFEE Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well?..." She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim and tall, 38 DD breasts, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus!" Edited by Olde Farte, Sep 6 2015, 10:33 AM.
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| beowulf | Sep 6 2015, 12:46 PM Post #588 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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hehehehe |
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| Disorder | Sep 6 2015, 03:38 PM Post #589 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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| stevescan | Sep 7 2015, 12:25 AM Post #590 |
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Airbrush master
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| tc2324 | Sep 7 2015, 11:59 AM Post #591 |
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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"So could you give us your version of events?" Said the police in the interview room, after my arrest following my wife's murder. "Well she told me she had been having an affair with the neighbour and I just lost it." I told them. "First came the argument, louder and more evil insults were getting flung around and it wasn't long before it turned into a fight. I slammed the sole of my foot into her knee, pushed right through it, dropping her down instantly. I thought her screams would attract attention, so I dropped to my own knees, right onto her chest, severely winding her. I was on fire then, so I grabbed her hair, slammed her head into the kitchen floor a couple of times and gouged out both her eyes. Then for good measure I squirted superglue all up her nose and over her lips to suffocate her. I couldn't just calm down though and I grabbed a big heavy frying pan and for a good twenty minutes just kept slamming it down on her cheating crotch, belly, chest, throat, face and skull." "Dear god!" Croaked one visibly upset copper, "Why?" "It was stuck to my hand." |
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| Olde Farte | Sep 7 2015, 12:24 PM Post #592 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| stevescan | Sep 7 2015, 11:36 PM Post #593 |
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Airbrush master
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| Olde Farte | Sep 14 2015, 08:02 AM Post #594 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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The Naked Cowboy A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for Indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?' The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff....I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'now go to town cowboy. ' 'And here I am.' Son of a Gun.. Blonde men do exist. |
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| Cimmerian | Sep 14 2015, 08:05 AM Post #595 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| Olde Farte | Sep 14 2015, 02:36 PM Post #596 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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This should amuse some, genuine article in a shop in Canada as photographed by my nephew who lives near.
Edited by Olde Farte, Sep 14 2015, 02:37 PM.
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| TomTheCat | Sep 14 2015, 11:13 PM Post #597 |
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airbrush beginner
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During a lifeboat drill: 1st boating attendant (through a megaphone): "COME IN NUMBER NINE, YOUR TIME IS UP!" 2nd boating attendant: "But sir, we only have eight boats!" 1st boating attendant: "Oh" - - "ARE YOU IN TROUBLE, NUMBER SIX?" |
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| Olde Farte | Sep 15 2015, 08:14 AM Post #598 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Oooops, very funny though. |
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| beowulf | Sep 15 2015, 08:48 PM Post #599 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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One day a few animals were arguing over who had the best life. A hawk spoke up that he surely had the easiest life as he could swoop down and snare any prey he wished and could fly away from any danger. Next the lion said he obviously had it the easiest as he simply took anything he wanted and no other animals messed with him. Finally a skunk voiced that he felt HE had it the best. Anytime he wanted something or was in danger he simply had to lift his tail and Pssssst! it was done! While the three were talking a large grizzly bear came on the scene and swallowed them -- hawk, lion and stinker. |
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| beowulf | Sep 15 2015, 08:54 PM Post #600 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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I was sitting in the cinema watching a comedy film, when I couldn't help noticing that next to me was a large alsatian. What was more surprising was that the dog was having the time of it's life, laughing at all the jokes and nearly dropping its stick with excitement. I turned to the woman holding the dog's lead, and said, "I hope you don't think I'm being rude, but I'm very surprised to see your dog enjoying the film so much. ""You're surprised?" she replied. "I'm amazed - he hated the book." |
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2:39 PM Jul 11