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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,141 Views)
beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Olde Farte
Oct 6 2015, 07:38 AM


By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident....

apart from these two :whistle


September 3, 2010: Flight 6 N571UP, a Boeing 747-400F, crashed near the Dubai Silicon Oasis at approximately 7:45pm local time after declaring an emergency fifty minutes after takeoff. Both crew members were killed, the first such casualties in UPS' history.


August 14, 2013: Flight 1354, N155UP, an Airbus A300-600, crashed in an open field on approach to Birmingham–Shuttlesworth International Airport in Birmingham, Alabama killing both the pilot and co-pilot
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image
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snapper655
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Gun Monkey


The Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which

came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start

off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box: "Would you like to go to church with me today?

We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again:

"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few

minutes more, thinking about the situation.


The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.


This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted:

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"





YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!









* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *







This time, a little voice came out of the box:





"I heard you the first time!


I'm putting my shoes on!"


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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
i shouldnt laugh...... but i did
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snapper655
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Gun Monkey
Best appeal to a parking fine ever

​ Enjoy!​


www.facebook.com/thatisjokess/videos/414420868753358/
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snapper655
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Gun Monkey

Subject: FW: Why some parents turn to drink


The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.
So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. '


"Hello ?"

'Is your daddy home?' '


Small voice whispered, ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,

’May I talk with him?'


The child whispered , ' No .'


So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'

‘Yes she's out in the garden too’

‘The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'
Again the ‘ child whispered


No’ .


'Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?


' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman .
'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, He's busy , ' whispered the child.


'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.


'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

' The search team just landed a helicopte r '

'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'


Still whispering, the young voice replied with



a muffled giggle.... ' ME '


Edited by snapper655, Oct 11 2015, 04:22 PM.
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
Fab
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snapper655
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Gun Monkey

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

LOL! Keep smiling! ENJOY!! :grin:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
snapper655
Oct 11 2015, 04:11 PM
Best appeal to a parking fine ever

Why some parents turn to drink

A cabbie picks up a Nun

www.facebook.com/thatisjokess/videos/414420868753358/



Oh I did enjoy all of them, very much. :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf Damn nigh wet myself.

Edited by Olde Farte, Oct 12 2015, 08:28 AM.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, smack his arse again."
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
I'll pass this onto my grand-daughter who is on her second/third year of midwifery training, I'm sure she will appreciate it.
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf
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snapper655
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Gun Monkey
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
lol love these.
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