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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,140 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"D’ya smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "Och, what the heck..., I'll treat her!"

So, they walked past again...
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.

Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the shite out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
The Vanilla Pudding Robbery

Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March~2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight,their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system,one robber said,'At least we'll have a bite to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'...
Edited by Olde Farte, Oct 14 2015, 09:52 AM.
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tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
:laugh:
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tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
I woke up from my anasthesia and saw my doctor standing over me, smoking a cigarette.

"Blimey!" I said. "You smoke, doc?"

"Yes," he said, smiling, "but only when I've had sex."




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tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
I got a strange text this evening off a number I didn't know.

I replied, "Who's this?"

I got a message back saying, "Your worst nightmare."

Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time.
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tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
Top Tip:

Forget rip off sites like Friends Reunited and Genes Reunited. If you want to get in contact with long lost friends or relatives...

Simply win the lottery.

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tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work at zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that wrote at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.



The Russians used a pencil.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
Apparently the German Cabinet were on their travels today passing through French imigration, whilst being asked the usual questions, the imigration officer asked Angela Merkel.. 'occupation?'

'Not this time, just visiting' she said.....


I knew somebody who was into sadism, necrophilia and bestiality all at the same time.

I told him to give it up because he was just flogging a dead horse.



I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

Now It's Hans free


Whilst stood in a queue at a cashpoint the elderly lady in front of me asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over


Told my wife that I would get tea. "Thats a first", she said.

After a couple of hours she came into the kitchen and said, "Is it ready yet, I'm starving."

"Almost there", said I, "Would you like milk and sugar in it?"
Edited by DevilFish, Oct 14 2015, 11:39 AM.
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Me and the wife have just been to the cinema to see that new film Suffragette.
Two hours of a woman's struggle........full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.
Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park we rushed in and caught the credits...
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf

I taught Judy the bus driver way of parking, by ear........................ :whistle
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