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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,139 Views)
DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
Olde Farte
Oct 16 2015, 07:55 AM
:rolf :rolf :rolf

I taught Judy the bus driver way of parking, by ear........................ :whistle
I find it better to use my hands...... :ohmy
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Two nuns hanging out the washing.
One says, "I'm fed up with this routine".
The other says, "Yes, old habits dry hard"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Oh dear.............that is terrible. :grin: But I liked it. :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
DevilFish
Oct 16 2015, 08:35 AM
Olde Farte
Oct 16 2015, 07:55 AM
:rolf :rolf :rolf

I taught Judy the bus driver way of parking, by ear........................ :whistle
I find it better to use my hands...... :ohmy
I keep her hands busy elsewhere, NO not there, behave.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life? “The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book !!”

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?
Sales Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”.

Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret ?
Old man : I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.

A man in Hell asked the Devil : Can I make a call to my Wife ? After making the call he asked how much he had to pay.
Devil : Nothing. Hell to hell is Free.

Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day !

Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – since last week, you have been saying “Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you……"
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Australia's Got Idiots Too!


Number One.
"I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre in Brisbane. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and, at the end of the conversation, happened to mention that she had given her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away".

Number Two.
Some Boeing employees on the airfield in Sydney decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three.
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland, walked into the Branch and wrote ';Put all ya muny in this beeg.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the Harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland.

Happened in Brisbane.

Number Four.
A guy walked into a little corner store in Cairns with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Number Five.
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move !'
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. Happened in Adelaide

Number Six.
A guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on videotape.
Happened in Perth WA.

Number seven.
"My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg."
Happened in Surfer's Paradise.

Number eight.
"I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded. "That's why we ask."
Happened in Melbourne ..

Number nine.
"When my husband and I arrived at a car dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open !'
His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'
Happened at the FORD dealership, Dubbo
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf
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Johni044
Lt John "bullet" Irwing
This made me chuckle.

http://youtu.be/o90lMt3jpGc

Personally be reporting that the servo that switches the indicators automatically on when you turn the wheel doesn't seem to work on any of their models.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf

If this is true it's bloody hilarious but it does put me in mind of the 'Old Mrs Galloway' things that was on the Scottish radio. If you don't know what I mean check this out,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFmpYqNnZsI
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Two old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to L/Cpls.

Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

"We’re L/Cpls now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're L/Cpls now!"

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a one of the Army lass’s comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.

Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." Pointing to his stripe, he says, "and we're L/Cpls now!"
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
lol!
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
:like

(and that goes for the last few entries on this page!)
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:like
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son,
but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each
and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .
:grin:
Edited by Disorder, Oct 23 2015, 09:19 AM.
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