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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,138 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Two Chimps and a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back! Which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 ! For your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat
Belts and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Army ranks - know your oppos
"The rank system is really quite simple.” You see, all people in the Army are soldiers, all privates are soldiers, but not all soldiers are privates. Some are officers who are commissioned, but some are officers who are not commissioned. Obviously if every private was called ‘Private’ it would be confusing, so some privates are called things like trooper, driver, gunner, craftsmen, sapper or signaller. Not all of the drivers actually drive because some of them cook, but we don’t call them cooks. For that matter, not all drivers are called drivers – some of them are privates or gunners. Gunners, as I’m sure you know, are the blokes that fire guns, unless of course they are drivers or signallers in which case we call them gunners rather than drivers or signallers just to make it clearer. All gunners belong to the Artillery, except that in the Infantry we have gunners who are called privates because they fire a different sort of gun, for the same reason we call our drivers and signallers private as well. A mechanical battalion has drivers, crew commanders and sigs, but are still soldiers. Some Infantry units have soldiers who are musicians that are still soldiers, but referred to as ‘Pipes and Drums’ meaning they are soldiers who play bagpipes and drums. Not the hard rocking AC/DC-type drums, more the side slug drums for marching on parade, and cat-squealing pipes like in Scotland, not peace pipes or plumbing needs. But they can also do the hard rocking AC/DC stuff if needed at dining-in nights at the Officers’ and Sergeants’ Mess, which isn’t really messy, except after Mess footy, which is another story. So yes, a piper, drummer or bugler is still an Infantry soldier who plays music, but isn’t band corps, otherwise that soldier would in fact be a musician, who is still a soldier but non-combatant. Whereas pipers, drummers and buglers are still combatant soldiers who are Infantry Corps that play music for the battalion, but aren’t musicians. Pipers, drummers and buglers are also referred to as ‘stretcher bearers’ which can confuse some to thinking they’re medics, which is understandable seeing as they wear the red cross brassard and perform first aid, casualty recovery and work with the medics, who are also soldiers. A Lance Corporal is called Corporal unless he is a Lance Bombardier then we call him Bombardier to distinguish him from a full bombardier, who is just like a corporal. All other ranks are called by their rank for the sake of simplicity except that staff sergeants are called Staff, but they are not on the staff, some warrant officers, who are not officers, are called Sergeant Major although they are not sergeants or majors. Some warrant officers are called Mister which is the same thing that we call some officers but they are not warrant officers. A lieutenant is also called Mister because they are subalterns, but we always write their rank as Lieutenant or Second Lieutenant, and second comes before first. When we talk about groups of soldiers there obviously has to be clear distinction. We call them officers and soldiers although we know that officers are soldiers too. Sometimes we talk about officers and other ranks which is the same as calling them soldiers. I guess it is easiest when we talk about rank and file which is all the troops on parade except the officers and some of the NCOs – and a few of the privates – and the term is used whether everyone is on parade or not.
A large unit is called a battalion, unless it is a regiment, but sometimes a regiment is much bigger than a battalion and then it has nothing to do with the other sort of regiment. Sub-units are called companies unless they are squadrons or troops or batteries for that matter. That is not radio batteries and don’t confuse this type of troop with the type who are soldiers but not officers. Mostly the Army is divided into corps as well as units, not the sort of corps which is a couple of divisions but the sort which tells you straight away what trade each man performs, whether he is a tradesmen or not. The Infantry Corps has all the infantrymen for example and the Artillery Corps has all the gunners. Both these corps also has signallers and drivers except those who are in the Signals or Transport Corps. In fact the Signals Corps is not a service at all because it is an arm. Arms do all the fighting, although Signals don’t have to fight too much, rather like the Engineers who are also an arm but they don’t fight too much either So you see, it’s really quite simple."

my brain hurts lol
Edited by beowulf, Oct 26 2015, 10:56 AM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
beowulf
Oct 26 2015, 10:55 AM

my brain hurts lol
So does mine........................................ :bang:
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
Clears it all up quite nicely. :grin:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
OK I've read it again and it works better, very funny but true.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf spent a long time and several reads of the army one.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
This got me wondering then it all clicked. :rolf :rolf
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter:
'Do you have any corn?'
The man answers politely: 'No, we don't have any corn here.'
The next day, the duck enters again and asks: 'Do you have any corn?'
Annoyed, the man answers: 'No! We don't have any corn.'
This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks 'Do you have any corn?', the man gets so upset he yells: 'NO! For the last time we don't have any corn, and if you ask again I'll nail your beak to the counter!'
The next day, the duck returns and asks: 'Do you have any nails?'
The man answers: 'No.' Then the duck asks: 'Do you have any corn?'
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf These jokes keep me going through the day.
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is bragging about how lazy British truck drivers are. He's bragging that he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in just two days.

This old Geordie man mutters up, "Ah, way ay I used to pick up me load in Newcastle, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle for a fish and chip supper the same day".

The gobby German trucker said, " Oh yah, vot rig were you driving then?"

After taking a long swig of his Pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replied..........


"A LANCASTER BOMBER!"
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