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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,136 Views)
Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf Brillaint guys.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
I love the crow one.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Very funny.

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/k1bG2EPGmI0?autoplay=1&vq=hd720&rel=0&showinfo=0&start=82&end=321
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Yes, it's that magical time of year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.


Here is the glorious WINNER:

1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, CA would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine. He submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company, expecting negligence, sent one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a Chicago blizzard. He returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed
to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff those patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies..
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash
drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash and fled, leaving his $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.. $15.

[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. An Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided to throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. He heaved the block over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...


8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 6 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. So the robber ordered onion rings. The clerk said those weren't available on the breakfast menu. The robber, frustrated, walked away.
[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. A man attempted to siphon gas from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose. He got more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said the man admitted to trying to steal gas, but he plugged his siphon hose into the sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


They walk among Us AND THEY VOTE!
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:like
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TomTheCat
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airbrush beginner
Olde Farte
Nov 13 2015, 01:36 PM
They walk among Us AND THEY VOTE!
That's the most disturbing thing :dead
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
Posted Image
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf I didn't see that coming.
Edited by Olde Farte, Nov 15 2015, 11:14 AM.
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down, shakes him, and brings him to. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What exactly did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me….. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown' sweet Jesus, I thought you said "Turn around"
Edited by Olde Farte, Nov 16 2015, 01:21 PM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my bloody fault."
Edited by Olde Farte, Nov 16 2015, 03:08 PM.
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
Seem that so many times, with sgt and officer or some such in place job titles inserted. Always makes me laugh, because I know how true it is!! :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
Love it
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