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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,180 Views) | |
| Cimmerian | Apr 28 2014, 08:58 AM Post #61 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| Olde Farte | Apr 30 2014, 02:06 PM Post #62 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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If this is inappropriate please remove it Mark. STRONG COFFEE An Irish woman of advanced age visited her Doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'... 'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..' It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!' 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?' 'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again |
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| Mark M | Apr 30 2014, 02:08 PM Post #63 |
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Hawk T1
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FAB, thats fine del |
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| mrvr6 | Apr 30 2014, 03:35 PM Post #64 |
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Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
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| Cimmerian | May 3 2014, 06:35 PM Post #65 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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A priest, a math teacher, and a soldier all got on the plane. The math teacher took out his math book to plan his next lesson, and it fell out the window. The priest took out to bible to pray, and it fell out the window. The soldier took out a grenade in memory of his grandfather, and it fell out the window. They all got off the plane. The math teacher found a girl crying on the sidewalk. The math teacher asks, "Why are you crying?" The little girl says, "A math book fell from the sky and hit me on the head!" The math teacher walked away. The priest found a little boy crying on his lawn. The priest asked, "Why are you crying?" The little boy said, "A bible fell out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The priest walked away. The soldier found a boy on the street laughing his head off. The soldier asks, "Why are you laughing so hard?" The little boy said," I farted and that house blew up!!!!" |
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| Olde Farte | May 4 2014, 08:07 AM Post #66 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| Olde Farte | May 10 2014, 07:41 AM Post #67 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question.... WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: -- silence -- HUSBAND: "poo." |
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| Cimmerian | May 10 2014, 09:20 AM Post #68 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| beowulf | May 10 2014, 09:30 AM Post #69 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| Olde Farte | May 11 2014, 10:14 AM Post #70 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES? These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________ ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________ ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. ______________________________ ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. ______________________________ ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ______________________________ __________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ______________________________ ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ______________________________ ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? ______________________________ ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ______________________________ ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ______________________________ ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ______________________________ ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. ______________________________ ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________ ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ______________________________ ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... ______________________________ ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ______________________________ ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________ __________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law. |
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| Mark M | May 11 2014, 12:26 PM Post #71 |
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Hawk T1
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FAB! |
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| tc2324 | May 12 2014, 12:41 PM Post #72 |
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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| Olde Farte | May 12 2014, 01:15 PM Post #73 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| DevilFish | May 15 2014, 09:35 AM Post #74 |
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
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For Engineers.... 1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. 2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" 4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. 5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" 6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" 7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (ě) 8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." 9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." 10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer... "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs." |
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| Olde Farte | May 15 2014, 11:04 AM Post #75 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Magic.... |
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2:40 PM Jul 11