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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,135 Views) | |
| stevescan | Nov 17 2015, 02:00 AM Post #736 |
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Airbrush master
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Excellent.
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| Cimmerian | Nov 17 2015, 07:26 AM Post #737 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| Olde Farte | Nov 17 2015, 09:02 AM Post #738 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Brilliant...........................
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| Disorder | Nov 18 2015, 11:00 PM Post #739 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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An Irishman is walking through a field when he sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. Paddy shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta lan de chac bo" ( Don't drink the water, it's full of cowshit) The man shouts back, "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you" Paddy replies "Use both hands, you'll get more in"
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| stevescan | Nov 19 2015, 01:08 AM Post #740 |
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Airbrush master
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| Olde Farte | Nov 19 2015, 08:48 AM Post #741 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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I see, getting your own back now Paddy ............
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| Disorder | Nov 19 2015, 03:34 PM Post #742 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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Two Irishmen in an old biplane that was spinning out of control. Pat says to Mick, "If this thing turns upside down, will we fall out"? Mick says, "No chance, we've been friends for years"!
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| Olde Farte | Nov 19 2015, 03:46 PM Post #743 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| beowulf | Nov 19 2015, 06:02 PM Post #744 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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A butcher just out of trade school, applies for and gets, a job in North-West British Columbia, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them with the contents - chops, rump, steak, ribs, sirloin, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is left with a pile of unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one bag and labels them......moosellanious. |
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| beowulf | Nov 19 2015, 09:04 PM Post #745 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| Cimmerian | Nov 20 2015, 07:26 AM Post #746 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| Olde Farte | Nov 20 2015, 09:05 AM Post #747 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| Disorder | Nov 20 2015, 10:02 AM Post #748 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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| Olde Farte | Nov 21 2015, 01:38 PM Post #749 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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12 of the finest (unintentional) entendres ever aired on TV and radio 1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator – 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator – 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – 'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..' 5. US PGA Commentator – 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........ Oh my god !! What have I just said??' 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.' 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.' 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ' 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.' 11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.' 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.' |
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| Olde Farte | Nov 21 2015, 01:44 PM Post #750 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one: After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.... P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from the midget |
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2:39 PM Jul 11