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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,134 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Sorry Paddy.................. :whistle


1. joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy replies, "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

2. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well, me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter."

3. The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They've imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

4. Paddy says to Mick, "I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?"
Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me!"

5. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

6. Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

7. Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf brilliant.
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
Olde Farte
Nov 21 2015, 03:24 PM
Sorry Paddy.................. :whistle
:hurt

:grin: :grin: Only kidding. Loved that first one. :grin:
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.'

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, 'Yes', and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?'

Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
A texan was driving through county Cork, when he seen a farmer standing at the side of a field.
He stopped and got out of his car to speak to him.
"So, how big is your farm"? asked the Texan.
"About 75 acres" said Paddy.
"Back home, it takes me 3 days to drive around my farm" boasts the Texan.
"Aye" says Paddy, " I used to have a car like that" :grin:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf they just get better & better.
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FTS
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Lt. Steve 'Gun Show' Harrison-Green
I'd like to give you 2 Steve originals from a conversation I had last night with a young lady i've been talking to online for the last week.

YL - "I've just seen the xmas Coke advert, getting excited now".
Me - "They're advertising cocaine now? Well I have been dreaming of a white christmas."

Me - "So what's on your list to Santa?"
YL - "Nothing in particular, you?"
Me - "Someone like you" - awkward silence - "I really like that Adele song."
YL - Polite laugh
Me - "I'm actually after a new axe. So how about meeting on Wednesday?"

I hope she gets my humour :laugh:
Edited by FTS, Nov 23 2015, 01:02 PM.
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
Car terminology

Understeer - The front of the car hits the wall

Oversteer - The back of the car hits the wall

Horsepower - How fast you hit the wall

Torque - How far you take the wall with you
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
The man who invented predictive texting has just died.

His funfair will be hello next Sundial at 2 pm
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
This explains why I hate predictive text and have removed mine for PROPER English.
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
Nikon User
Nov 23 2015, 01:35 PM
Car terminology

Understeer - The front of the car hits the wall

Oversteer - The back of the car hits the wall

Horsepower - How fast you hit the wall

Torque - How far you take the wall with you
hell yes
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your Mother."
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...
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