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| Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,130 Views) | |
| Cimmerian | Dec 9 2015, 06:47 PM Post #811 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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How to wash a cat 1.. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2.. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3.. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid. 4.. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet the cat is actually enjoying this. 5.. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “Power Was" and “Rinse”. 6.. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7.. Stand well back behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid. 8.. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9.. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean. Yours sincerely The Dog |
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| Cimmerian | Dec 9 2015, 06:49 PM Post #812 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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Concealed Carry Permit Went over to the local Gun Shop to get a small 9mm and bullets for home protection. I approached the card reader to pay when, quite firmly, the cashier said "Strip down, facing me". Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was telling me how I should place my credit card in their card reader!!! I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make instructions to seniors a little clearer. |
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| RJ Tucker | Dec 9 2015, 07:08 PM Post #813 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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![]() See!! Works great!
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| RJ Tucker | Dec 9 2015, 07:14 PM Post #814 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Edited by Olde Farte, Dec 10 2015, 09:20 AM.
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| Cimmerian | Dec 9 2015, 07:25 PM Post #815 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice, insurance, paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a motor mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result , but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?" "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career". |
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| Cimmerian | Dec 9 2015, 07:28 PM Post #816 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question I got wrong was, Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa. |
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| Cimmerian | Dec 9 2015, 07:45 PM Post #817 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.’ 'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.' 'That was a fine story Sarah.' 'Little Johnny, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Barbara. Aunty Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.' 'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?' 'Stay away from Aunty Barbara when she's drunk.". |
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| Disorder | Dec 9 2015, 08:56 PM Post #818 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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Brilliant Ken.
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| RJ Tucker | Dec 10 2015, 01:55 AM Post #819 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse." One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." "You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse.'" "No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse." The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse." "Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!" |
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| Cimmerian | Dec 10 2015, 07:33 AM Post #820 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| Olde Farte | Dec 10 2015, 09:19 AM Post #821 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Oh my, how the hell I'm supposed to get things done today after reading that lot, I've changed my underpants twice already. Brilliant. RJ, Sorry mate but I have removed that picture of Jimmy Saville as he is a well known paedophile over here, although dead, who had a reputation and a fondness for little girls and had he been alive today he would be in the deepest dungeon after castration and with the key thrown away. Lost his Knighthood and is a nasty, nasty man who used his fame and contacts at many children's Hospitals to groom them. Edited by Olde Farte, Dec 10 2015, 09:23 AM.
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| RJ Tucker | Dec 10 2015, 12:29 PM Post #822 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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OH! Who knew? Well, you did I reckon. He was just a pix of an old man to me. Sorry. |
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| Olde Farte | Dec 10 2015, 01:12 PM Post #823 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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No worries RJ at least you understand. _________________________________________________________________________________ Politically incorrect, but amusing (makes a change from Irish jokes!) Two blondes were filling up at a petrol station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful petrol prices are going to go even higher." The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just £10 worth." One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers." "Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of pants for that suit." "Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole." Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?" A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. "Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?" "Ten," said Buffy. So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!" "Yes," said Buffy. "So did I." Blonde Interview The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one." Edited by Olde Farte, Dec 10 2015, 01:13 PM.
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| Cimmerian | Dec 10 2015, 01:22 PM Post #824 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| Disorder | Dec 10 2015, 05:53 PM Post #825 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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2:39 PM Jul 11