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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,128 Views) | |
| stevescan | Dec 13 2015, 05:40 PM Post #841 |
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Airbrush master
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The worse the better
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| Nikon User | Dec 13 2015, 07:15 PM Post #842 |
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"BEAVER"
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An egg, a piece of bacon and a sausage walk into a bar... Bartender says. "We don't serve breakfast here." |
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| Nikon User | Dec 13 2015, 07:16 PM Post #843 |
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"BEAVER"
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Theft from multi-storey car parks - wrong on so many levels. |
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| Olde Farte | Dec 14 2015, 09:12 AM Post #844 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| RJ Tucker | Dec 14 2015, 10:34 PM Post #845 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Some for the golfers: It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse speaker-- "Would the gentleman on the Ladies Tee please back up to the Men's Tee!" Mike, still deep in his routine, seemed impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement-- "Would the man on the Ladies Tee kindly back up to the Men's tee, PLEASE!" Mike had had enough. He turned and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!" ***************************************************************************** Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, Jack, I've got trouble down here! What's the matter? Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. Bring me my wedge, Joe shouted. You cant get out of here with an eight iron! Edited by RJ Tucker, Dec 14 2015, 10:37 PM.
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| Nikon User | Dec 15 2015, 12:11 AM Post #846 |
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"BEAVER"
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A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits. |
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| RJ Tucker | Dec 15 2015, 12:52 AM Post #847 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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It's Brit t'ing; you wouldn't understand.
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| stevescan | Dec 15 2015, 03:34 AM Post #848 |
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Airbrush master
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| Olde Farte | Dec 15 2015, 09:08 AM Post #849 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Being a thick Essex lad and a non golfer I don't understand these.
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| Nikon User | Dec 15 2015, 09:58 AM Post #850 |
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"BEAVER"
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A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!" |
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| Olde Farte | Dec 15 2015, 11:38 AM Post #851 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| Cimmerian | Dec 15 2015, 12:39 PM Post #852 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| Olde Farte | Dec 15 2015, 12:55 PM Post #853 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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RONNY BARKER GOLD............... Read this without laughing This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes. The irony is, BBC received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read......... This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying posspits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince."Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny! |
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| Disorder | Dec 15 2015, 02:10 PM Post #854 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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Got to the end of the first line and burst out laughing.
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| Olde Farte | Dec 15 2015, 03:17 PM Post #855 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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When you think this appeared as is on Ronnies TV show Paddy it is amazing but would no doubt be edited out now. Very non-PC. |
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2:39 PM Jul 11