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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,127 Views)
Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
They got away with a lot if you listened carefully. Very clever.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Tothing like the nongue getting into a mucking fuddle.................................
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
I hold Ronnie Barker in my highest regard for his work. I'd need more than a few takes to read that out loud - and I've just tried to!
(My wife's out at the moment...)

Another one where the writers and performers got away with a few was Around the Horne, apparently.

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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Ah, Round the Horne is my wife's favourite and she has a collection of CDs and tapes which are packed full of innuendos.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A Senior (No it's not me :laugh: ) trying to set a password:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :like
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
DIVORCE JUDGE: Are you sexually active? Remember, Mrs. Smith you are under oath.
MRS SMITH: No, your Honor, I just lie there.
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
A bank is getting robbed by a man wielding a shotgun.

He gets the cash and as he turns to leave, his mask slips and he exposed his face for just a moment before he could put it back.

Going to the nearest man, he asks the guy if he had seen his face. The man says "Yes", so he shoots him dead on the spot.

He asks the next man in line "Did you see my face?".

The guy says "No, but my Mother-in-Law did".
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of a chemical that mimics female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

*********************************************************************

Think women are better drivers? Then, please, explain when Bruce Jenner became Caitlyn, she immediately caused a 3 car pile-up with injuries?

**********************************************************************************
Posted Image

**********************************************************
Boy calls 911.
Boy: Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.








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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf

My small grandson got lost in Sainsburys.

He approached a uniformed security guard and
said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little devil hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Old Scotch and women with big tits."
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
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