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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,126 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
I never saw that coming............. :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
It was nearing Christmas when a Viking named Rudolph the Red looked out of the window when he announced to no-one in particular, "It's going to rain".

His wife overheard his muttered remark and asked "How do you know?"

Because, he said;






(Wait for it)












"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
DOH.......................................
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Nikon User
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Santa, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Civil Aviation Authority.

Shortly before Christmas a CAA examiner arrived to conduct his latest check flight.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sleigh and bathe all the reindeer. Santa examined his flying log book and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled, carrying his clipboard in a manner only an examiner from the CAA could. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the hooved landing gear, and paid special attention to the colour of Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally he decided, all was correct.

Now they were ready for the check flight itself. Santa nervously climbed aboard, taking care to correctly fasten his seatbelt and shoulder harness and ensured the examiner had done likewise. He read through his Sleigh Mark 1 check list and declared the sleigh to be both airworthy and ready for departure.

Glancing across the open cockpit of the sleigh, he noticed that the examiner had, poking out of his flight case, what appeared to be a double-barrelled shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're going to lose an engine on take off."

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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Remember the flight examiner motto, Santa:


"We're not happy until you're not happy"


Enjoy your flight.

:wicked
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf

A Senior trying to set a password:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Little Barry

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday'.

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.

Barry's mother, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he
deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 2: Dear God, This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either and was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was
there then picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary and slipped it under his shirt before running out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4: I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND ME THE BLOODY BIKE FOR MY BIRTHDAY!
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
Olde Farte
Dec 18 2015, 11:37 AM
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf

A Senior trying to set a password:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
That one was funny when you posted it on the page before this. :laugh:

Olde momente.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Oh bugger Ken :redface , a defining Senior Moment for me so time to slip away quietly. :whistle



Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for President:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to the 2016 election year, citizens must remember that they cannot even trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to me and I simply blew it".



Monica.
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Nikon User
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I've developed a fear of German sausages.









I fear the wurst.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Be careful it's not a bratwurst they can be vicious.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Nikon User
Dec 19 2015, 03:03 PM
I've developed a fear of German sausages.









I fear the wurst.
I can't eat them. I enjoy one, & suddenly, I have this overwhelming urge to invade Poland!

:blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Best bangers around.........................IMHO. Wasted on Poland.
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