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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,179 Views)
stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE.

SHE HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL.

AS SHE WAS BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUN-SLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

THE GUN-SLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED SAYING "HEY OLD WOMAN "HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUN-SLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE ... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUN-SLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR, NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOES BLOWN OFF, STARTED HOPPING AROUND LIKE A FLEA ON A HOT SKILLET. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING, FIT TO BE TIED.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUN-SLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELLED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.

THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUN-SLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S BUM?"

THE GUN-SLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND REPLIED, "NO MA'AM. BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
Fab!
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Lol
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ......


Today you voted.

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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image

Red Arrows 2030
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:cool :rolf :rolf
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
.QUOTES FROM BRITISH MILITARY ANNUAL PERSONNEL REPORTS

1 His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
2. I would not breed from this Officer.
3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.
5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine
8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.
11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.
12 When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.
20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.
21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.
22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. A room temperature IQ.
31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
32. A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.
34. He has been working with glue too long.
35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.
37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.
38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ tests.
39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.
40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
41. He's so dense, light bends around him.
42. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
:rolf

Not forgetting, "Not so much a leader of men, as a follower of women!"
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snapper655
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Gun Monkey
When I was a sprog all them years ago my map reading comment was "this man couldn't find his way across a chess board with the bishop leading the way" stuck in my mind all these years good mind to sue them for the trauma they caused.
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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