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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,125 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down, shakes him, and brings him to.

The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What exactly did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me…..I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown'! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said "Turn around!"
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
:like
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:like
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"BEAVER"
Police arrested two kids yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

Edited by RJ Tucker, Dec 20 2015, 09:11 PM.
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
RJ Tucker
Dec 20 2015, 09:11 PM
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

So true. :whistle sorry Judy. :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A matelot, a pongo and a crab were mustered at the Pearly Gates. St Pete is the QM and he addresses them. 'You're not allowed across the gangway unless you can prove to me that you've got something on you that reflects the true spirit of Christmas.' Jack looks worried, the crab looks smug, the pongo looks stupid. The crab pulls out his car keys. He rattles them and says 'These represent the bells that we ring at Christmas to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ.' He steps past St Pete and minces across the brow. The pongo takes out his zippo, flashes it up and says 'This flame represents the candles we light at Christmas to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ.' He steps past St Pete and over the brow. By this time, Jack is a bit concerned and he starts rummaging through the pockets of his tiddly suit. 'Aha!' he cries triumphantly as he whips a pair of knickers out of his back pocket, 'These, well, these are Carols . . . . . '
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf

Being a bit of a heathen with a sheltered life what are crabs and pongos? I presume derogative terms for the other services but may be wrong.
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"BEAVER"
CRAB

A term used by the RN and Army to describe members of the RAF. The origins are lost in time and there are a few versions of how this came about.

PONGO

A term used by the RN and RAF to describe soldiers. "Where the Army goes, the pong goes..."



I'm far too polite to mention terms that are used by the Army and RAF to describe sailors. I've been both of the above.

:grin:
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Dec 21 2015, 03:24 PM



I'm far too polite to mention terms that are used by the Army and RAF to describe sailors.


ive always used 'fishheads' ......or matelots :whistle
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
RJ Tucker
Dec 22 2015, 11:46 AM
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
Hmmm, sounds familiar..................................... :whistle :rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Olde Farte
Dec 21 2015, 02:26 PM
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf

Being a bit of a heathen with a sheltered life what are crabs and pongos? I presume derogative terms for the other services but may be wrong.
Sailors are squids

Marines & soldiers are grunts: Marines are, also, jarheads.

Air force are zoomies; when I was assigned to various staffs we called the air force officers "suits" as in corporate suits.

all assorted shipyard workers, civil servants, supply & all other types who think the fleet's sole purpose is provide them with employment are sandcrabs.

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