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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,122 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Why do cows lie down when it's raining?
To keep each udder dry.


NOT PUNNY, TUCKER!!!!! Posted Image
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
You know when you're getting old when(:


1.You cant remember why you went to bed.
2.When you can, you can't remember what to do.
3.When you tell the police officer to wipe the acne from his face.
4.Older women now seem more attractive
5.Stuffing the Christmas turkey jolts your memory.
6.You cannot remember how to use the TV remote control so you phone the kids.
7.Practising safe sex means safety bars around the bed.
8.Walking down to Sainsbury's and forgetting why you went.
9.Going to church brings back bad memories.
10.Coming back home from a shopping trip, looking for your phone. I left it in the refrigerator. That's true.

11.When you bring out all the old photographs to show visitors.

12.You bite into a nice big steak & your dentures stay there.
13.You ask the wife to cut your apple up.
14.All of a sudden you have more ear and nostril hairs than you have on your head.
15.Shall I carry on?
16.You panic when the medicine cupboard appears empty.
17.You stop buying Colgate but buy Steradent.
18.it's a complete relief when you go to the loo, without sackfuls of Prunes.
19.When you have a senior moment (40 winks) people call for an ambulance.
20.Parts of your body hurts, the rest don't work.
21.Incontinence is now the norm.
22.You realize that you are going the way you came into the world. Ga Ga, no teeth, pooping your pants and food is now liquidised for you.
23.You just cannot get down to cut toenails.
24.When you wake up feeling real bad without having any fun the night before.
25.Now P.E (exercise) is trying to get up from the sofa.
26.You and your teeth don't sleep together anymore.
27.You look at your phone and realize all the calls you made were to your doctor.
28.Now I've had enough.
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
:like

I confess to; 14 & 25.
:redface

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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Oh dear, this is sooooo close to home although I do still have my own teeth.

I struggle to remember if I have replied to a post and have to search back. I'm standing down the garden earlier this morning with boots and rubber gloves on but totally forgetting why I'm there dressed like an idiot, Judy reminded me to refill the bird feeders. On that note, Who am I?
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Two convicts serve their sentence & are released from jail.

One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.


:blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Tragedy In Newfoundland

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, NFLD man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Lord have mercy!" exclaimed Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Mr. Flynn: Was her death foul play?


The RCMP officer: That's possibility we're investigating, yes.


Mr. Flynn: Any suspects?


The RCMP officer: Just one; goes by the name of Clawed.


Posted Image












Edited by RJ Tucker, Jan 1 2016, 03:40 PM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A nice funny addition to my one above RJ. :rolf :rolf
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
The jersey I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
The first app for 2016 that you can't do without:

Government Economic Forecaster app: Nothing works, but the app assures you everything is fine.
:ohmy
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
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Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I can’t put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"
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Paddy's in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
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Two irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!"
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Nikon User
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"BEAVER"
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
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