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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,121 Views) | |
| Nikon User | Jan 3 2016, 02:24 PM Post #946 |
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"BEAVER"
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I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off. |
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| Nikon User | Jan 3 2016, 02:32 PM Post #947 |
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"BEAVER"
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I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. |
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| RJ Tucker | Jan 3 2016, 06:57 PM Post #948 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural northern Arkansas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Arkansas. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'" The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow patty. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. Grab your duck and get."
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| Olde Farte | Jan 4 2016, 09:05 AM Post #949 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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1 . Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe. 3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers. 5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. 6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. 7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!! 9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 10 . Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. 11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug. 14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about. 15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly. 16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET! 17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it! 18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. Really... It must be true. I read it on the Internet! |
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| DevilFish | Jan 4 2016, 09:13 AM Post #950 |
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
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The Law of Result. Tested and proved every single time I ask my boss to look at the piece of kit that I have spent half an hour trying to get to work. |
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| Olde Farte | Jan 5 2016, 11:23 AM Post #951 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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5 Minute Management Course Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel..' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull poo might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of poo is your friend.. (3) And when you're in deep poo, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE |
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| mrvr6 | Jan 5 2016, 01:10 PM Post #952 |
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Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
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top notch :) |
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| RJ Tucker | Jan 6 2016, 01:18 AM Post #953 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Max and Ernie are going to play racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt. "My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?" "Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."
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| Olde Farte | Jan 6 2016, 09:26 AM Post #954 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| RJ Tucker | Jan 7 2016, 08:42 PM Post #955 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? Last years hide and go seek champion. |
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| beowulf | Jan 7 2016, 10:18 PM Post #956 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| beowulf | Jan 7 2016, 10:19 PM Post #957 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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some of us will get it.........
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| Olde Farte | Jan 8 2016, 11:30 AM Post #958 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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?? I'm one of the odd ones who cannot............................... |
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| Olde Farte | Jan 8 2016, 03:53 PM Post #959 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A heart warming Christmas Story...................🎄 A couple was in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his mobile. The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do" He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you." Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes I do remember that shop" she replied. "Well I am in the pub next to that." |
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| RJ Tucker | Jan 8 2016, 10:10 PM Post #960 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was.. CELEBRATE"
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2:39 PM Jul 11