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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,120 Views) | |
| Disorder | Jan 9 2016, 08:50 AM Post #961 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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A mum visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious... Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, her son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates and nothing more." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : "Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son." Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: "Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow… Love, Mum. xx" |
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| Olde Farte | Jan 9 2016, 11:29 AM Post #962 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'. Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?" "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a we cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye no' think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?" |
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| beowulf | Jan 9 2016, 01:21 PM Post #963 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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lol! |
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| RJ Tucker | Jan 10 2016, 12:02 AM Post #964 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Turn the tables a bit: A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's wrong?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard" says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
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| Olde Farte | Jan 10 2016, 10:10 AM Post #965 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| beowulf | Jan 10 2016, 03:57 PM Post #966 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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A group of tourists were watching the re-enactment of an ancient Egyptian religious ritual. One turned to a nearby local, pointed to the statue that was being praised and asked, "Pardon me, but what was the name of that god supposed to be?" "Why do you ask?" the man replied. The tourist shrugged. "Just idol curiosity, I guess." |
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| RJ Tucker | Jan 10 2016, 06:12 PM Post #967 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "OK, Mom, just give me one good reason why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
Edited by RJ Tucker, Jan 10 2016, 06:14 PM.
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| mrvr6 | Jan 10 2016, 08:49 PM Post #968 |
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Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
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haha thats quality |
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| Olde Farte | Jan 11 2016, 09:01 AM Post #969 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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I like her style................... |
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| RJ Tucker | Jan 12 2016, 12:40 AM Post #970 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
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| Olde Farte | Jan 12 2016, 09:13 AM Post #971 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| RJ Tucker | Jan 12 2016, 10:36 PM Post #972 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Oh...My.... God!". |
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| Olde Farte | Jan 13 2016, 09:00 AM Post #973 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again Paddy asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.' Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.. My wife won twice last week.' Edited by Olde Farte, Jan 13 2016, 11:15 AM.
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| RJ Tucker | Jan 13 2016, 09:55 PM Post #974 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Why did the blond stare at the can of orange juice? Because it said "concentrate."
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| beowulf | Jan 14 2016, 09:24 PM Post #975 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot for sale. |
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2:39 PM Jul 11